Oscars 2014: Ellen DeGeneres' best jokes -- Read 'em here! VIDEO

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Image Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images

Despite the rain storms in Los Angeles earlier today, the show must go on! And it has. Kicking off the 86th Academy Awards is host Ellen DeGeneres, who graced the stage for the second time and once again proved why she belongs there. (And not just because she was wearing an amazing sparkly blazer.) Aside from her many awkward pauses and glances that can’t be described in words, here are a few funny highlights from her opening monologue; check back for an updated list of jokes as the night progresses.

“It has been a tough couple of days for us here. It has been raining. We’re fine. Thank you for your prayers.”

“Things are so different now. Last time, for instance, when I was here Cate Blanchett was nominated, Meryl Streep was nominated, Leonardo DiCaprio was nominated, Martin Scorsese was nominated. So different.”

On Barkhad Abdi: “He is from Somalia. He is a Sommelier so he knows a lot about wine, and that is impressive. Who’s the wine captain now?!”

“I’m not saying that movies are the most important thing in the world, because we all know that the most important thing in the world is youth.”


“I think you should think of yourselves as winners. Not all of you, but the people who have won before should think of yourselves as winners.”

“Between all the nominees here tonight, you’ve over 1400 films, 1400 films, and you’ve gone to a total of 6 years of college.”

“One of the nominees is Her and by Her, I mean Meryl Streep.”

“Who are we kidding? It’s the Hunger Games. I mean, there are cameras everywhere, you’re starving, Jennifer Lawrence won last year.”

On Jennifer Lawrence’s tripping: “If you win tonight, I think we should bring you the Oscar.”


“I’m not going to say who looks the most beautiful, but it’s clear. It’s Jared Leto. I mean, he’s the prettiest. Boy is he pretty. Nominated for best supporting actor, and Matthew McConaughey also pretty by the way but a different, like a rugged, dirty, a dirty pretty, like a rugged dirty pretty. Good dirty, not bad dirty. Both nominated for Dallas Buyers Club, a very important movie. It deals with the serious issue of people who have sex at rodeos. Don’t do it.”

To Bruce Dern: “A little background on Bruce. His grandfather was the governor of Utah, his great uncle was a Pulitzer Prize-winning poet, and his Godmother was Eleanor Roosevelt. And here you are among us tonight. What went wrong?”

To Jonah Hill: “You showed us something in that film that I have not seen for a very, very long time.”

“We should get started. It’s going to be an exciting night. Anything can happen, so many different possibilities. Possibility number one: 12 Years a Slave wins best picture. Possibility number two: You’re all racists. And now please welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway.”

Special shout-out to her “ordering pizza” bit, which gave us this gem when it came time to tip the pizza man: “I don’t have any money. Sandy [Sandra Bullock] you have money. You got a lot of money. Where is Harvey Weinstein? Harvey? “


Post-pizza: “So I borrowed Pharrell’s hat, and I thought I’d pass it around and get some money for the pizza.” *She gets money from the likes of Kevin Spacey and Brad Pitt, before Lupita Nyong’o puts her lip gloss in the hat*

On the show’s length (at 11:37 p.m. ET): “Okay, there’s more. I guess we’ll be back.”

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