News of Adam Driver joining J.J. Abrams’s 2015 Star Wars sequel sent tremors through the Force earlier this week. Variety hinted that the Girls actor would play a villain, perhaps in the vein of Darth Vader. At 6′ 3″, Driver certainly has the physical presence to play an imposing heavy, and anyone who’s watched Girls, in which he plays Adam Sackler, the often-shirtless woodworker/actor/playwright who dates Lena Dunham’s Hannah, appreciates it’s not just his appearance that makes him an interesting choice — refreshing even, for a franchise that could use a little edge.
Sackler is a fascinating and polarizing character, and even though Driver has appeared in several films, mostly indies like Inside Llewyn Davis, it’s his Girls character that is currently his calling-card. The jump to hyperspace is light years from his cool HBO neighborhood (though perhaps not surprising since Driver had also been rumored for the role of Nightwing in the upcoming Batman Vs. Superman movie.)
Since LucasFilm hasn’t confirmed the casting, and the only hints about his Star Wars character come from casting-call descriptions posted last summer, we’re forced — and delighted — to make assumptions based on his role in Girls. We introduced our office nerfherd of Star Wars experts to our gaggle of Girls fans to make some sense of how Driver might fit into the sci-fi universe. After 20 minutes of sad anti-social behavior never before witnessed outside of an elementary-school gymnasium, and 20 minutes of breaking the ice playing Pass the Orange, the two camps finally put their heads together to come up with the following predictions for Driver’s Star Wars character, henceforth known as Darth Ramslayer:
1) Ramslayer is an orphan on the distant planet of Prospecteits, raised by male Sith Lords who basically spend their days compulsively bicycle-kick exercising, watching intergalactic porn, and speaking to each other only to express odd, stilted truths.
2) He is lured to use the Force for good after falling in love with Tue, the granddaughter of the politically-connected Mon Mothma who’s slumming as a waitress/singer at the Mos Eisley cantina. She introduces him to leaders of the New Republic, including the famous Luke Skywalker; Ramslayer teaches her how to love who she is, not who she isn’t. He calls her Kid; she calls him his given name, Huck.
3.) Huck becomes a young rising star in the Republic, but things fall apart with Tue when he texts the printouts to his lightsaber to another girl, the slutty illegitimate daughter of Han Solo and Chewbacca. (Who knew?) The Mothmas and their politically connected friends turn their back on Huck, and when he tries to make amends with Tue, she accuses him of invading her space. Outraged, he falls off the wagon, so to speak, and back in with the Dark Side.
4) Obsessed with revenge and more intergalactic porn, Ramslayer can’t resist playing with his lightsaber for hours every day; in battle against the Jedi, he ceremoniously urinates on his victims after dispatching them one by one. Single, male warriors from across the galaxy flock to Ramslayer’s side, pledge their loyalty, and tell him over and over how he’s a Good Bro’, the voice of a generation that represents something new and pure about modern masculinity. Han Solo becomes an admirer.
5) On the brink of victory and establishing himself as Emperor, Ramslayer is leveled with the news that Tue is pregnant with his child but on death’s door due to a severe case of OCD. He calls off the final attack on the Jedi and rushes to her side to declare his love. But it’s a trap! An aging Skywalker pushes the lovesick Ramslayer in front of an oncoming landspeeder, severing his leg. Tue rushes to his side to console him, tells him she really is pregnant… twins…. but she doesn’t know who the father is. He doesn’t care. They consummate their love in the street, while he bleeds to death.