No surprise, Schmidt had been the first to bail on Bertie’s soup smorgasbord (noted Winston, “She is making 10 or 11 soups, and all of them are cream-based”). Working in Jess’s favor, Schmidt enlisted Nick for a night’s worth of shenanigans. You see, Nick was “the best wingman who’s ever wung” thanks to Nick’s willingness to do such things as lie about recognizing Schmidt as the author of the book So You’ve Mastered the Female Orgasm, Now What? And so the guys crashed a bar mitzvah so Schmidt could hit on a Hebrew school teacher named Rachel. Rachel also just happened to be the daughter of the rabbi (Jon Lovitz) Schmidt had consulted amid his emotional crisis in “The Box” — the rabbi who hated Schmidt.
Schmidt and Rachel’s flirtation was incredibly short-lived since Nick took a phone call from Jess, allowing the Rabbi to turn his attention back to Rachel and catch Schmidt in the act of seduction. (This development was likely in Schmidt’s best interest since we learned during their brief conversation that Rachel recently got out of rehab and has a voice that is closer to Howard’s mother on The Big Bang Theory than Barbra Streisand.) In the heat of the moment, though Schmidt made it all about how Nick had abandoned him. Nick, however, had become insecure that Jess was ashamed of him. Having introduced Jess to his own family in “Chicago,” he also had his share of trashy jailbird blood relations, which was, ironically, another thing the roomfriends have in common on a rather short list. Jess should have milked it!
Not too long after the fight, Schmidt rejoined Nick to apologize and say, “If [Jess is] really ashamed of you, then she’s the stupidest bitch in the whole wide world” — of course he immediately realized he’d gone too far and apologized for that, too. In turn, Nick said he was sorry for failing as a wingman. Schmidt said wistfully, “What happened to us, man? We used to be the best in the biz!” Nick insisted they were still were, and they tried to prove their “Still got it”-ness with high five, but they kept missing, and it turned into more of an awkward hand clasp. Eh, Schmidt la vie.
And so it was on to phase two of Operation: Hebrew School Confidential. Nick was tasked with ruining the bar mitzvah so Schmidt could save the day. He attempted to do so by launching into a seemingly drunken tirade. Unfortunately, the older lady he picked as a target was so happy for the attention that Nick only piqued her interest with his increasingly bizarre comments (“You’re breakin’ my heart, beautiful! And all I do is love you, I give, and I give! I’ve been working for 40 years at the steel mill for you! … I want to rip that blouse off ya and put it on me! I want to wear your lipstick. I want to rip those earrings off and put ‘em on, and I want to be the girl!”). Not getting the response he wanted, Nick reared back like a cobra and went into for a passion GGILF smooch. This last-ditch effort was sufficiently horrifying to the guests at the bar mitzvah, only Schmidt was too slow to react. As he headed toward Nick, a doctor by the name of Nussbaum knocked Nick out, securing got the rabbi’s approval — and a date with Rachel.
The guys went home and both confronted Jess for being embarrassed of Nick. Jess denied it, and Abby strode out to corroborate that Jess was actually embarrassed of her. You see, Jess hadn’t let her sister get on the plane, and now Abby is bunking down in Jess’s room for at least a couple weeks (“a month, tops… six months, super-tops”). Side effect: Jess and Nick are officially cohabitating in Nick’s room. Pressure’s on, lovahs!
NEXT: “Just the right amount of tang”