Excerpts from Nick Miller’s Philosophy for
Exes: “They’re part of the past. You burn them swiftly, and you give their ashes to Poseidon.”
Men: “Men are sick. Look, I’m a relatively good guy, but even I’m a sicko. That’s why we have the Internet as a community.”
Texting: “This one’s the worst by far — it’s just a bunch of smiley faces.”
Jess: We can’t give up that farmers market. It’s so nice, walking around, chatting with vendors. I feel like Don Corleone.
Nick: I think a lot of ladies do.
Coach: It’s nice inside [your apartment], man. It’s like a European airport.
Schmidt: Oh what’s that? You want to watch the game? Which one? Basketball? Football? Of Thrones?
Winston: Look at you, dude, you’re like James Bond! I’d be Moneypenny for sure. Which one is Moneypenny?
Coach [laughing]: It’s the woman.
Jess: Where is this coming from?
Berkley: You! The phone calls, the texts — “Boyfriend problems. I need you. Hugs, kisses, more hugs, more kisses.” You have been setting up dominoes for 10 years, and now they are falling.
Jess: You have a baby, sir!
Berkley: And you are going to make such a good stepmom. I love you, Jessica. God, it feels good to say that out loud and not just to my sleeping wife.
Coach: Why is she calling you Schmidt?
Schmidt: I told her to call me Schmidt in case she saw your mail.
Schmidt: I don’t just leave mail out. This isn’t a small business! Get out.
Coach: Dude, I’m about to seal the deal, I’m not getting out.
Schmidt: I’m about to… I’m a… I’m a deal-sealer.
Coach: I’m about to get some squish, dude, and you need to not [interfere with that].
Schmidt: I’m about to nail it into the wall.
Coach: Dude, I’m about to take down that va-dragon. I’m about to pin the tail on the va-donkey, dude. You better not stand in the way of this.
Schmidt: Don’t call her a va-donkey. I don’t even know her, bro, and I want her to leave, but please don’t call her a va-donkey!
Coach: I need this.
Schmidt: Okay. I’ll use the guest room — like an animal.
Berkley: [I knew you still loved me in] 2004. You brushed my hand at a Dave Matthews concert. During “Two Step.”
Nick: “Two Step”?!
Berkley: Or the time I helped you move, and I came over, I was wearing sweatpants. You couldn’t stop staring at my rig.
Nick: She loves looking at rigs!
Jess: Why are you both calling it a “rig”?
Winston: Look at this place, Schmidt. You’ve got so many plush surfaces.
Schmidt: Well there are 15 different Bang Spots in here, each one specifically designated to its own sexual position — that’s standing, this is sitting, that’s diagonal…
Winston: Ha! That’s how I do it.
Schmidt: …the “Why? Why? Because!” The Closure of the Lincoln Tunnel, the Red Beanbag Chair — which is pretty obvious, but you know that’s a good one. The Glass Menagerie, the Bike Share, the Backwards “Oops!” [Later...] The Star 68, the Jumanji…
Coach: You could lay the Yule Log on here, that’d be cool.
Schmidt: …the Jean-Michel Basquiat, the Fabric Softener, that’s the Kansas Shaker. Back there, that’s the Nia Vardalos. That’s one’s Sex on the Rug, which is again pretty obvious. You know, why mess with a classic?