'Fifty Shades of Grey': The five least sexy scenes

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Image Credit: David Livingston/Getty Images; Nick Harvey/WireIma

Have you heard Fifty Shades of Grey is being turned into a film hitting theaters next year? Of course you have. Did you hear it’s starring Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson? Yup, you probably are up on that as well. And we know you’ve seen the photo of the duo kissing.

That photo — and the many others like it that have surfaced in recent weeks — got the think tank at PopWatch HQ…concerned. Sure, many of the passages from the novel are raunchy, but a lot of them are just flat-out gross to watch play out in front of you, no matter how hot you may or may not find them. Real-life humans are going to be filming these scenes. For a movie that other people are going to go to theaters and watch. Presumably with other people. The whole thing sounds unbelievably awkward.

How awkward? Well, we rounded up five of the least sexy parts from the first installment of E L James’ best selling trilogy, and speculated on how they might appear in the film (CAN they be filmed?). Re-read some of the most outrageous passages below, and picture the moment you walk up to the ticket counter and say, “One, please.”*

Note: We ignored quotes that were just descriptions of the two having sex….the bar for OMG moments is much higher than that.

5.) “He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder. … My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”

Movie idea: Anastasia’s “inner goddess” is always doing all kinds of dance moves. While the likely scenario for the movie is to ignore these descriptions completely, why not go full camp? Every time she’s doing some crazy sex act with Christian, have an animated tiny Anastasia literally dance in the corner of the screen, basically like an R-rated Lizzie McGuire.

4.) “Dear Miss Steele, I do hope you had a good day at work. -Christian Grey, CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.” ETC., ETC.

Save for some dirty talk, these emails aren’t particularly hot, but for the uninitiated, huge swaths of the book are just Anastasia and Christian emailing back and forth. Sometimes the emails are “sexy,” sometimes they aren’t, but each time an email bell rings (à la You’ve Got Mail), that’s a film bathroom break. Do you want to watch Dornan type or do you want to watch him do some other stuff? That’s what we thought.

3.) “In his palm are two shiny silver balls linked with a thick black thread. … Once they’re inside me, I can’t really feel them — but then again I know they’re there. … They make me needy, needy for sex.”

Ignoring the line “They make me needy, needy for sex” for just a minute, yeah, so maybe don’t go see this movie as a first date. (Free idea: DO go see this movie as a first date and then write an essay about it because then your essay can go viral and then you can get your own SEXY! book deal and the cycle can repeat.) There’s no way this can make an R-rating as is. This scene is going to have to just be a close-up on Anastasia’s face, right?

2.) “Christian squirts baby oil into his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness — from makeup remover to soothing balm for a spanked a**, who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid.”

Look, Johnson should definitely get a free phone call with Maggie Gyllenhaal and/or Keira Knightley, who must know a little something about making small talk with hot guys while filming this stuff. Beyond that, this scene seems primed to be one of the Oh-my-God-this-was-a-mistake-to-come-with-people-I-know-I-wonder-how-I-can-back-out-of-dinner-plans-after-this moments of the film.

1.) “He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string … and gently takes my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fu–. … And then he’s inside me… ah!”

This is the grossest book passage I’ve ever read. It’s like a Seventeen magazine embarrassing moment served up for adults with a kinky twist. I hope movie theaters plan ahead and come equipped with vomit bags.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Gross. Nope. Shut it Down will hit theaters on Valentine’s Day 2015.

*Let’s be real: Online ticketing was created over a decade ago solely so the option is available for this moment.


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