Entertainment Geekly: The speech Michael Bay was going to give at CES

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Image Credit: Isaac Brekken/AP

Entertainment Geekly is a weekly column that examines pop culture through a geek lens and simultaneously examines contemporary geek culture through a pop lens. So many lenses! Click here for past columns.

Michael Bay made headlines this week, but not the good kind like you want. The director of films like Transformers and Transformers took a break from making his third or fourth Transformers to appear onstage at the Computer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. Samsung wanted him to say a few words about their new curved TV. Bay began his speech with the tantalizing declaration, “I get to dream for a living.” He quickly became flustered by a #TeleprompterFail, departing the stage with a polite but firm apology. (The director later explained the incident on his blog.)

Entertainment Geekly has obtained the complete transcript of Bay’s original speech, which follows:

Hello, friends. Hello, Vegas. My name is Michael Bay, and I believe in dreams. This TV up here? It’s a dream. I’m talking about the Samsung 105-inch Curved LCD TV. Sure, it’s got a 21:9 aspect ratio. Sure, it’s got 5120 x 2160 resolution. Sure, it’s hitting stores Q4 2014, with an affordable retail price better than market value. Sure, it’s guaranteed to reboot your living room the same way that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to reboot the Terminator franchise with Terminator: Genesis, coming soon from Paramount Pictures.

You all know that. You don’t need me to tell you that. Who am I, anyway? Just some guy. I wake up, I go to work, I blow up a couple buildings, then I go home to my beach house in Malibu, where I eat dinner on a floating table in my infinity pool. Last night, dinner was a hamburger. Just another hamburger. Sure, the beef was Wagyu. Sure, the bread was a couple slices of New York Pizza, still fresh because I had them vaccum-sealed and flown cross-country on my Gulfstream G-650 Ultra-Speed Superjet, retail $10 million.

But this Samsung 105-Inch Curved LCD TV is more than just a dream. It’s a reality. And isn’t reality the biggest dream of all?

I know what you’re thinking: “Michael, you’re making too much sense! My brain hurts!” That’s the truth, and it hurts so good. See, when I was a kid, I had a dream. I dreamed of a world where every woman was a supermodel and every dude was a bodybuilder. Except for some nerds, but they were nerds who hung out with jocks and robots. Everyone was tan. Everything exploded. Everything was awesome, all of the time.

I made some mistakes along the way. I don’t deny that. Pearl Harbor? That was a mistake. I mistakenly thought that history was much cooler than it actually was. I was talking to this historian I know, and he said: “Michael, FDR didn’t make himself stand up to give a crazy inspiring speech after Pearl Harbor! He could barely walk! Why are you so awesome?”

Listen, here’s my opinion: Don’t you think FDR probably wanted to walk? And don’t you think FDR probably wanted to build himself an exoskeleton with cool rocket launchers poking out of his wrists, so he could lead the counterattack on the samurai base or whatever? That scene didn’t make the final cut, but I think we can agree, it would’ve looked awesome on a Samsung 105-Inch Curved LCD TV.

I don’t read what critics say about me. I don’t have to. I’m my own worst critic. I watch all my movies constantly. Just last night, after the sun set, I brewed myself a coffee on my Lamborghini Coffee Maker, retail $1750. It’s not the most expensive coffee maker on the market. I don’t need the most expensive coffee. I’m not that kind of guy. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I own all the most expensive coffee makers. All of them.

Anyhow, last night I was watching Transformers on my wall, which is actually a TV screen that is bigger than your house. “Which Transformers were you watching, Michael?” ALL OF THEM. And I know what people say. There’s too much destruction. In Transformers: Dark of the Moon, I pretty much destroyed Chicago. Chicago knows why.

Here’s the thing, though. Everyone always acts like I’m the first guy to destroy things onscreen. I’m not. You ever see Citizen Kane? My assistant did. That movie is all about destruction, she says. This guy destroys his snowglobe, and then he destroys his life, and then at the end, they burn his sled. It sounds pretty cool. I only wish they could’ve filmed it in HD 6K Red Epic Dragon Digital Camera, retail $50K.

See, people like to destroy things. But society tells us it’s “bad” to destroy things. Yeesh, every time I turned on the internet this summer — using my Luvaglio of London bespoke laptop, retail price $10K plus an extra $2K for the sequoia varnish — people were complaining about movie violence, and blowing up buildings.

That’s my job. I create visual worlds that are so beyond everyone’s normal life experiences, and then I burn those worlds to the ground. I bet if Orson Welles were alive today, he would’ve had a ten-minute scene where they burn all his stuff, and like, his car flips over.

You know what Orson Welles’ last movie was? Transformers. That’s truth. I mean, it was a cartoon, so it didn’t have any babes. But sometimes, when I’m on set and I’m yelling at a bunch of babes and Wahlberg, I like to look up in the sky and say: “This one’s for you, Wellesy.”

People say my movies are bad? News flash, Vegas: Everyone makes my movies now. Star Trek Into Darkness? I could’ve done that, and it would’ve started with the crash. Man of Steel? When I made it, it was called The Island, which everyone always tells me is really underrated, and I always tell them: “Actually, it made a ton in foreign and DVD sales.” Skyfall? That’s just Bad Boys 2 with more accents.

And last year, I fired half my staff because I thought they forgot to tell me that I directed Battleship. Then I called up Peter Berg, and I drove him to Vegas in my 2013 Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4 Roadster, retail price $445K. By 3 AM, we were loaded up on Laphroaig 18-year sprinkled with elephant tusk, and I actually convinced Bergmeister that I directed The Kingdom.

Suffice it to say, I won the rights to Friday Night Lights off him in a poker game. I’m thinking of rebooting it in space, and the football is a nuclear bomb, and the cheerleaders are space babes.

Anyway, I think I’ve made my point. The Samsung 105-Inch Curved LCD TV isn’t going to change your life. It’s going to destroy your life. And isn’t that what we all secretly want? Did you know that the first movie cameras used gunpowder? Is that true? I know it is. I dreamed it. And the only thing truer than truth is the dream of truth.

Thank you. If anyone would like to ask me further questions, you can find me online at michaelbay.com or fifteen miles offshore from Los Angeles in my Orsos Floating Island, retail price $5 million.

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