'Doctor Who's How The Dalek Stole Who'smas': An EW holiday mash-up

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Image Credit: Dalek: IAN DERRY for EW; Ron Batzdorff

Nobody wants to see the doctor on Christmas: it usually means you’ve either gone into hot cocoa-induced diabetic shock or have been impaled by an errant candy cane. But having a visit with “the Doctor” has become a venerable Yuletide tradition. In honor of the upcoming Doctor Who Christmas special—in which Matt Smith’s beloved Eleventh Doctor will regenerate through the magic of TV acting contracts into his latest incarnation, played by Peter Capaldi—we’ve whipped up a whimsical bit of poesy that combines the work of two of our favorite doctors without medical licenses. So without further ado, and with copious and appropriate apologies to Steven Moffat, Theodor Geisel, and you, the reader, we present…

Doctor Who’s How The Dalek Stole Who’smas

Every Who fan in Whoville liked Who’s-mas a lot
Except for perhaps a certain murderous robot
With spruces and gooses and red-and-green jelly
And a brand-new hour of Doctor Who on the telly
They drink till they’re punchy and they eat till they barf
Put up lights as colorful as Tom Baker’s scarf
And toast to good cheer with a bottle of Malbec
While up in the mountains stewed the crotchety Dalek

You see, the sight of such fun made the Dalek irate
Shake his stalk at the sky and shout “EXTERMINATE!”
No bright Who quite knew what made him hate it
Or why he’d want to exterminate it
Could be he was lonely, or had something to hide
Or that he was programmed for genocide
You can probably rule out that his heart was too small
It’s more likely because he had no heart at all

But as Reverend Who gave his Wholiday homily
There was yet another cardiacal anomaly
With double the hearts, and double the beatings
And double the love for this Season’s Greetings
The greatest holiday savior since Betty Crocker
Look, in the bowtie, why yes it’s the Doctor!

You think you know hard? You don’t know what hard is
Till you’ve tried your hand decorating a TARDIS
So many wreaths hung, tinsel strung, ribbons tied
To jazz up a police box that’s bigger inside
But the extra room really helps you to win big
If you’re planning on throwing a grand Who’smas shindig!
And that’s just what he did, and to all Whos in sight
He handed a copy of this Who’smas invite:

“I’ve got egg nog and pie and board games in case I’m,
Stuck for a while somewhere out in space-time.
So many features, it’d take my lifetime to list ’em
But the party’ll go great with the bitchin’ sound system
I’ve got a ton of sweet tunes, whatever era I’m in
And all instruments, not just theremin.
We’re gonna rock it all night, so plan to stay late
We’ll party so hard I’ll have to regenerate
But please, just remember, it’s BYOB
Psych! Come on, I’m the Doctor, the drinks are on me.”

You have to admit it, this bash sounded great
Hardly something you’d want to exterminate
But the Dalek, you see, he didn’t agree
For how he hated this man from Gallifrey
Shame and decorum, no he hadn’t had any
The last Time Lord? That’s one Time Lord too many!

How overly precious all that he says is
Timey-wimey, bananas, fish custard and fezzes
We get it already, you’re a goofy court jester
That abducts his companions like a child molester
A Who’smas party would be the perfect occasion
For a full-scale, take-no-prisoners Dalek invasion
(The Dalek denies his true motivation
Was that he’d received no invitation.)

The party was popping, with everyone showing
A Who’s Who of Whos who were all well worth knowing
And by the light of the control console softly glowing
Shakespeare was shaking and Vincent Van Goghing
The sound system was pumping, with the bass down low
As the Doctor played Twister with the Face of Boe

When suddenly, out of nowhere, someone crashed the gate
And over the music was heard “EXTERMINATE!”
The Dalek rolled in and shot down the tree
“That’s rude,” thought the Doctor. “He didn’t RSVP”
Then the Dalek started zapping his deadly death ray
Leaving Whos looking like what’s in an ashtray
Everyone began screaming, it all got quite loud
Until little Cindy-Lou Who stepped out from the crowd.

“Excuse me, Mr. Dalek,” she said, sweeter than sugar
“Will you please stop for a moment your massacre?
I just wanted to say, Merry Who’smas to you
And that I love you whatever you do,
I got you a present, it isn’t a lot.”
She said, holding a box for the killer robot
The Dalek paused, moved by the gift that she brought
And disintegrated her right there on the spot.

“Alright,” said the Doctor. “That’s enough, allons-y.”
“It’s time I put an end to this automaton’s spree.”

And quicker than lightning, he drew from his pocket
Something he pointed at the creature’s eye socket
“Oops, sorry, one moment, that’s a candy cane
I shouldn’t have had that last glass of champagne,
Especially not after that big gin and tonic—
Ah ha! Here it is, my screwdriver that’s sonic!
Nothing in this world can get you right back in a
Good mood like a little deus ex machina.”

He turned on the device and the whole room was humming
Something started changing in that Dalek’s plumbing
You see, all that was needed was a simple switch flipped
In order to change that robot’s whole script
The crowd stood there silent, wond’ring their fate
Would the Dalek still want to exterminate?
And after what seemed an unbearable wait
The Dalek spoke up, “LET’S CELEBRATE!”

And what do you know, he stuck to his word
Drinking until his voice software was slurred
He partied with them until about four
Then went back in time and partied some more
Till all of them ended passed out on the floor.
As a Ood in the corner started to snore,
The Doctor, he thought, “My, this soirée was clever…
I venture to say, ‘twas the best Who’smas ever.”

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