Warning: This post is rated R.
So what is this R-rated post all about? The entirely unrealistic picture of the “morning after” continually painted on movies and television. Not only does the woman wake up with her make-up perfectly touched up (except maybe in Bridesmaids, where she wakes up early to re-apply) and her hair as beautiful and luminous as ever, but neither party seems to be even the slightest bit hot or — sure, I’ll say it — sweaty. Right after they have sex, neither member of the couple needs to use the rest room or even wipe their brow, but instead, they’re ready to cuddle their naked (save for the woman still wearing her bra — what?!) bodies right up against each other… and they’re not at all over-heated.
Then, of course, there’s the magical L-shaped sheet that covers every woman’s chest but hits the man at his hips. I suppose I shouldn’t be complaining considering the man is typically in top physical form, but then I remember that L-shaped sheets aren’t actually a thing, and I feel a little sad. No sexy torso is worth that longing. And while we’re talking about sheets, we might as well mention that no one in Hollywood actually makes their bed, because women constantly slide out of bed with the entire bed sheet wrapped around them. In one swift move, they’re up and covered, which means the sheet couldn’t have been tucked in. Also, that just wouldn’t happen that gracefully, like, ever. Have you ever even tried to fold a sheet? Those things are difficult to manipulate.
But don’t forget that when she gets out of bed and covers herself in a sheet, the guy, still in bed, remains covered from the waist down. So perhaps it’s less of an L-shaped sheet than a magical regenerating sheet! Or a sheet that can split itself in two, thereby making itself smaller and easier for the woman to cloak herself in it and leaving just enough to cover the man. I’ve solved the mystery! Maybe not, but at least when Summer took the sheet from Seth on The O.C., he was left with nothing but a pillow.
Consider my sheet rant over! Now, let’s move on to morning breath. It is one of the few gross things that plagues both common folk and movie stars, no matter how pretty they might be. And this means that the whole morning make-out session is less sexy and more disgusting. The only time I ever recall this being acknowledged was by Julia Roberts’ character in America’s Sweethearts, when she covered her mouth and kissed her man through a sheet until she could brush her teeth. And if Julia Roberts has to brush her teeth, EVERYONE has to brush their teeth.
Final rant: Does everyone have sex solely on Fridays? Because unless you’re Reese Witherspoon in This Means War — and yes, I did just reference This Means War — people seem to have all the time in the world to cuddle and stay in bed reminiscing about what a wonderful night they had. Go to work, people!
All of this combines to mean that I’m still waiting for the movie/television moment where the couple is on opposite sides of the bed because they’re hot, the woman has mascara running down her face, her hair is curling out of control, the sheets are strewn about leaving people only semi-covered (in strange ways), and the couple wakes up and brushes their teeth before anything romantic goes down. Then, when they do get out of bed, it’s in a panic, which is followed by some dry-shampoo action before they run off to work.
The only thing I wouldn’t change about Hollywood’s morning after? The actors’ physiques. I don’t see a need to fix something that isn’t broken.
What’s your biggest morning-after pet peeve, PopWatchers?