Alison Gold's 'Chinese Food': Singing about food proves worse than Instagramming about food -- VIDEO

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The Rebecca Black Corollary — a.k.a. Ark Music Factory — has spawned another evil, and this time she’s hungry (for more than just milk and cereal).

Any artist has been told to write/paint/sing what you know. Our girl Alison Gold (hopefully a stage name, so this won’t haunt her LinkedIn when she’s trying to land an entry-level marketing job in eight years) is just singing about her passion: “Chinese Food.” And more disturbing than this song’s terrible Auto-Tune is its cracked-out music video. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

From the time that I saw the video Tuesday morning, it has gotten a a million more views. I don’t want to alarm you, but it’s kind of a thing. In case you want to avoid having “get me broc-co-li, while I play Mo-nop-o-ly” stuck in your head for the next eight hours, but like staying abreast on viral YouTube world news, here’s a comprehensive breakdown of the video’s plot:

Before getting around to the chow mein event, Alison establishes some background information: “After ballin’, I go clubbin’, then I’m huggin’.” She’s standing in the middle of a suburban street, so it’s probably been a pretty long walk from the clubs, and hugging really works up an appetite. It only makes sense that she’s hungry.

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Hark! What’s that?

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It’s a Chinese restaurant that seems to be owned and operated by this 11-year-old girl. Her positive attitude has gotten her far in the restaurant-franchising industry.

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Alison does a good bit of pointing at Snapple bottles and yelling out Chinese foods that she’d like to order, because as the subtitles of this video prove, the Ark Music Factory has a poor understanding of not only English and most variations of Chinese, but also Spanish, Russian, French, and many other languages. There’s only one surefire way to get what you really want: Make it rain.

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Alison gets every single Snapple-represented menu item she ordered and, well, things take a dark turn. Alison is eating in a restaurant surrounded by her peers, but she seems to be without friends, fast-forwarding her level of comfort with solo dining by about 20 years of that of the average person. And certainly most of us have experienced the shame of having our order for one delivered with two (or three) sets of utensils, but six plates of food might be overdoing it a bit, Ali.

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Luckily, the fortune cookie of fate declares it’s time for Alison to have a friend. Of all the available preteens in attendance, she chooses …

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The heart wants what it wants, and the two become fast friends: holding hands, frolicking through fields, tickle fights.

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Oh good, it’s a grown man.

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At a young girls’ slumber party. Speaking with problematic vocal intonations. Everything from that point on is too disturbing to discuss.

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This one might have been.


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