Schmidt reveals his newly-single bitterness knows no limits…
“Every couple has a weakness. Kate and Will? I could break them up with one e-mail — oh, look at that! Look at the royal baby now, living with slutty Aunt Pippa.”
Winston: Yeah, [Ferguson and I] had a tough day today at the V-E-T. Yeah, he said he was going to have to get… [pauses, whispers] it rhymes with ‘fleutered.’ [Covers the cat carrier, whispers more softly] The word is neutered.
Nick: Cats don’t speak English.
Winston: Ferguson’s never going to experience actual, physical love-making.
Jess: I think you’re a little too into your cat…
Winston: He should be out there, just gettin’ all crazy, gettin’ his freak on. [Cups his head in his hands] I feel bad, man. I don’t know what to do.
Nick: Let’s try to help. We got three smart people here. We all know we gotta get Ferguson laid, right?
Nick [eyes light up]: Cat bachelor party.
Jess: That’s right… get some little cat strippers.
Nick: Big-booty cats, little-booty cats… some tabbies… some black ones, some white ones — mix it up! Get us a couple Siamese… get weird with it. [Sees Winston is really thinking about this] You know we’re kidding, right?
Winston: Sure, sure, sure. Gotcha. [Whispers to Ferguson] It’s happening!
Jess: Let’s say Nick struggled with impotence. Oh my God, I am not talking about this.
Schmidt: Jess, look, I get it. You don’t want my help. But just do me a favor, please. Let me know when you’re not mad at me anymore so I can tell you how men crave danger and variety in their sexual lives. I just hope it’s not too late. Fingers crossed!
Jess: What are you talking about? I mean, I don’t care, but… if I did…
Schmidt: Theoretically, I would tell you fo… for a man whose midsection is basically mush, Nick has had a lot of sex. He’s pushed that mush all over town. And you know what? He’s got some very weird taste. Dark, real fringe stuff. He likes stuff that they don’t even have porn for! And, you know, a lot of women wouldn’t think to do The Captain in bed.
Schmidt: That was a mistake, I shouldn’t have said anything. I’ve gone too far. Do you want a smoothie?
Jess: What’s The Captain?
Schmidt: Well it starts off with… [turns on blender as he's speaking, then powers down] …you want to clean yourself up immediately, and I mean immediately. And then… [blender back on for a few seconds] …how comfortable are you with racial slurs? Then… [blender, once more] …that’s basically it.
Jess: That’s what Nick wants in bed?
Schmidt: Yeah, I know. Look, you’re probably not up for it. It’s my fault. It’s very degrading, it’s offensive — and you just don’t have the time to learn all those dolphin sounds…. Are you sure you don’t want some of this smoothie? It’s strawbana!
Jess: Schmidt! I trusted you, you took advantage of me!
Schmidt [grinning ear to ear]: Something wrong?
Jess: You set us up! I’ve done things to Nick I can’t ever undo.
Schmidt: See, your fatal flaw — communication. You won’t shut up about your feelings, and the only thing this dummy wants to talk about is the Chicago Brown Bears.
Nick: It’s just the Chicago Bears, there’s no Brown.
Schmidt: Who cares?! I put a pebble in your path, and the two of you cracked your tiny little skulls on it. Oh, by the way, how was The Captain? Did you make it all the way to the spyglass?
Jess: Yes, Schmidt! And my night vision’s very good because my eyes are so buggy and big! And I saw everything [voice crumbles] and I can’t erase it from my memory.
Minutes of the Emergency Loft Meeting: Oct. 8, 2013
Jess: Schmidt, I just looked it up — there’s no way estrogen works that fast.
Schmidt: You don’t know my body!
Nick: Please stop talking about your body, Schmidt.
Winston: Okay, that’s a good segue… to… some of the more relevant topics that I would like to cover in this meeting, like personal space… public space… other people’s medicines, taking them versus not taking them–
Schmidt: I’m so aware of my nipples right now…
Winston: Okay… that’s a good start–
Schmidt: If someone were to blow on my nipples, I would positively scream!
Winston: Boundaries. Any takers?
Nick: We live here. Where are we supposed to go?
Jess: This is my fault. Because I’m going through a sexual awakening. [Nick grins smugly] It’s like I’m tapping into this raw, sexual energy that the universe is putting forth, and it’s both imploding and exploding at the same time. It’s kind of like I’m a young nun and Nick is my sexy Monsignor, and I’m– [Sees her roommates' disgusted faces] I’m just gonna shut up…
Winston: Both of you need to shut up. You’re having sex, not inventing it. It can’t be that good.
Jess: It’s good.
Winston: Stop saying “Squeeze my biscuits”! I’m serious, Nick.
Winston: And, Schmidt, stop taking it out on everybody else, man. Deal with your break-ups. Ain’t no way in hell I got a cat brothel going on in my room, and I’m the only normal person in this loft.