After Walter White met his demise in Breaking Bad‘s series finale, The Albuquerque Journal decided to pay respects to one of their own — with a fake obituary printed in the real paper.
The paper’s obit cites Walt as a 52-year-old man who died after a “long battle with cancer, and a gunshot wound.” They also refer to him as a “co-founder of Gray Matter,” which we’re pretty sure Gretchen and Elliott Schwartz would complain about … if they weren’t still living in fear of death by laser pointer.
Walt was also a “research chemist who taught high school chemistry” and “later founded a meth manufacturing empire,” according to the Journal. Good choice of words: If they hadn’t said “empire,” we’re pretty sure the ghost of Heisenberg would’ve shot them dead (with an M60 in the trunk of his ghost mobile).
Apparently, a “private memorial” was held by his family — which leads us to believe Skyler had some booze and a cigarette (or five), Marie protested, and Flynn stayed at Louis’ house. If you’d like to honor a man who will be “greatly missed” (probably only by Holly), the Journal asks that you donate to a “drug abuse prevention charity of your choice.” Maybe Gretchen and Elliott’s?
To be fair, Walt never abused drugs; he only made it possible for other people to abuse the best the drug he had to offer. After all, who would drink generic soda when they could guzzle classic Coke?
Check out the full obit from The Albuquerque Journal below: