Cece: Oh my God, coffee! I barely slept last night…
Schmidt: Yeah, me too. I think I passed out for, like, 25 minutes when you jammed that sock down my throat.
Cece: I aim to please.
Cece: What’s going on? You guys were acting all so weird back there, and you’re driving like a maniac.
Schmidt: Oh geez… You know, I didn’t want to have to say anything, but… here we go — Nick is cheating on Jess!
Schmidt: Apparently they met at some gas station. She’s much older. Much, much older. Deeply Korean.
“Just a quick heads-up, Nick [and] Jess: I blame you for this whole thing. I was going to fix it. I wasn’t going to hurt anyone. And since you took it upon yourselves to hurt both of them… should it take me the rest of my life, I am going to break the two of you up. It’ll be when you least expect it — which might be when you most expect it. It could actually be when you’re watching the movie version of What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Regardless. I. Am coming. For you.”
The Things Schmidt Could Use to Tear Nick and Jess Apart…
- She’s a member of the
Democratic Green Party; he’s never voted
- She’s been banned for life from Lake Ontario
- She fears pears and pear-shaped people
- He’s “not convinced I know how to read; I’ve just memorized a lot of words”
- The doctors say she might grow another 18 inches
- He considers the 1969 moon landing “obviously fake”; she thinks the pictures on the Internet were Photoshopped “to trick stupid people”
- She “kind of” wants to get a gun
- He’s “definitely sexually attracted to lady bugs”
- He prefers the Craig Kilborn Daily Show because that host was “very charming”
What Won’t Tear Them Apart (a.k.a. What They Both Believe)…
- Horses are from outer space
UPDATE: See it for yourself!