Jess, saying something we’ve probably all said to our hair at one point…
“Uhhhhh, come on bangs, you sons of bitches!”
Schmidt: You know, I’ve never actually seen you this happy.
Nick [laughs]: Yeah!
Schmidt: I’ve never seen you smile. Ever!
Nick chuckles and smiles dumbly
Schmidt: This is the first time. It’s not bad. I mean, it’s not great…
Nick: Yeah, I agree. Somewhere right in the middle.
Winston: I’m going to go pick up Daisy’s cat. You know, you don’t just ask anybody to take care of your cat. That’s a very serious thing. So I’ve decided I’m going to go over there and ask her to be my girlfriend.
Schmidt: Major move! Look at you, man!
Winston: So I’m just gonna go over there and I’m gonna tell Daisy, “Listen, my heart is a two-man bike, and I want you… in the rear.” What do you think?
Nick: Winston, don’t say that. You want her in your–? You can say “the rear”… you want…?
Schmidt: No! Don’t say “the rear” any time!
Winston: You guys are just jealous, you’re trying to steal my swag.
Schmidt: I wouldn’t even know how to begin to steal a swag.
And did I mention…?
The entire series of moments throughout the above scene when Nick and Schmidt (and then Winston) forgot to push the elevator button?
Schmidt, to Elizabeth about his new office…
“I got it with the promotion, so I don’t have to look at Bethany’s mismanaged eyebrows all day. Do you like it? It’s a perfect two-thirds replica of Don Draper’s office from Mad Men. And you’re my sexy Peggy! [After Bethany asks him to shut the door] My tiny credenza’s in the way!”
To that meddler, Beth…
“How dare you interfere with my personal life, you crone! I don’t kick up a fuss when you massage yourself with your yoga ball. Beth, please. I am in love with both of these women. Do I feel bad about lying to them? Yes. I’m a Sagittarius.”
Schmidt: What did you do to her?
Nick: I just told her that I thought drinking would make her cool.
Schmidt: What are you, a 14-year-old hockey player?
Winston: An eye for an eye, Nick. A cat for a cat.
Nick: Oh yeah? What’s the other cat?
Winston: My heart.