Jess [after sex in her car]: What’s next? What do we do now?
Nick: I’m really fightin’ the urge to buy you a lobster dinner.
Best Schmidt-isms of the night…
On Jess and Nick: “Where have you been? I’m having a major life crisis, and you guys are, what? Just driving around, French kissing each other like a couple Dutch hookers?”
On Cece: “We have this connection — it’s physical, it’s unhealthy. Look, I don’t want to get too graphic with you, but I’m not just a plug with her. I’m also a socket.”
The beginning of his break-up speech to Elizabeth: “In a marketplace of ideas… where… culture is king and data moves faster than people… where scalable opportunities come from turnkey solutions…”
The end of his break-up speech to Elizabeth: “Of course I picked you, it wasn’t even close. Come here, you crazy white girl!”
On Winston’s supposed tryst with Elizabeth: “[He] was all too quick… to rush in there and just get his jollies off — his sweating, disgusting jollies.”
On Winston’s puzzling skills (or lack thereof): “Would you like some truth, Winston? Here’s some truth for you, okay? You’re terrible at puzzles. Worst I’ve ever seen by a mile. What do you have? Fly vision? Look at this puzzle! It’s ages ‘Six and up.’ You’re up, Winston. You are way up. Look at this corner piece, Winston! How do you not see that? What are you, blind? I’m so sorry. Actually, a blind man could feel the smooth edges of a corner piece!”
Upon bribing a Mexican concierge: “That’s for you to send your kids to college — or for you to send some fun up your nose. You choice, bro. We’re looking for our friend Nick Miller — if he’s still alive… and his head if it’s severed.”
After being swindled by said Mexican concierge (and many of his colleagues): “The streets down here, they run red with hospitality!”
Jess: Nick is in a Mexican jail! We don’t know this country. We don’t know their laws. I just hope he’s found somebody who can protect him and take care of him.
Winston: What, do you hope he’s somebody’s bitch?
Jess: No! Like a mentor.
Schmidt: He’d never be picked as a bitch.
Winston: Nick is very attractive. He could be a bitch.
Schmidt: A sissy, perhaps. But a bitch? No way.
Jess: Oh my God, what’s a sissy?
Winston: He could be a bitch.
Schmidt: What are you even saying? A chubby gringo…?
Jess: Stop it! [With palpable fear in her voice] Nick is my bitch.