James Franco's Comedy Central roast: The 26 best lines

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Image Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images

At the Comedy Central roast of James Franco, Seth Rogen, Andy Samburg and Aziz Ansari relentlessly picked apart the honoree.

Franco admitted post-show that sharing the berating burden with the rest of the dais — Jonah Hill’s weight was the biggest target of the night — made it easier to endure countless jokes about his failure as an Oscar host, his ambiguous sexuality, questionable film choices, constant schooling and general renaissance man qualities with a smile on his face. “I’ve never watched one of these roasts. I chose not to research this so I had no idea that they were going to be roasting each other [too]. I thought I’d be sitting here for two hours bearing the brunt of it so it was a huge relief,” Franco explained. “I had a great time. Everybody was awesome, solid.”

You can see just how awesome when the special airs on Sept. 2 and until then here are some of the night’s best putdowns, slams and lampoons:

Seth Rogen: “James has acted alongside some amazing actors — Robert DeNiro, Tommy Lee Jones. He once played opposite an unruly chimp with giant teeth but it was worth it because Eat, Pray, Love turned out awesome. What? Is she here? She’s not here. Like she f–king watches this bulls–t.

Rogen on the roasters: “This dais is literally Hitler’s wet dream. It’s got Jews, gays and whatever Aziz is.”

Rogen: Judd Apatow was going to direct this roast, but Comedy Central didn’t want it to be 40 minutes too long.”

Rogen: “Look at me doing all the talking while you sit there doing nothing. I feel like I’m cohosting the Oscars with you.”

Rogen on Sarah Silverman: “We worked together on Take This Waltz, She did full frontal nudity in the movie. I always thought she was very liberal, but it turns out she is a giant Bush supporter.”

Rogen: “Franco, you look like you’re asleep. Did you just read a James Franco book? In all seriousness, he is a very hardworking actor. He once told me he worked for 36 hours straight, which I don’t believe, the straight part, obviously.”

Nick Kroll: “James Franco is truly our generation’s James Dean. So handsome that you forget he’s only been in two good movies. Dean, of course, died at the tender age of 24 sparing himself the embarrassment of writing self-indulgent short stories and getting roasted by a bunch of jealous Jew monsters.

Kroll” “If at any point James fully opens his eyes tonight, there will be six more weeks of summer.”

Jonah Hill: “Bill Hader was brilliant on SNL and when he left the show every single person was like, ‘What are you doing? You’re never ever going to work again.’ And what does my man Bill do? Boom, he books a T-Mobile commercial. Who’s laughing now, Lorne Michaels? My man Bill is. If that thing goes national, we could be talking like 10, 15 grand. This guy’s cashing checks from the fourth largest mobile provider in the nation. I respect Bill because Sprint was coming after him hard, but he held out for that f–k you T Mobile money.”

Hill: “He recently got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which is incredible because now critics and homeless people can s–t on him all the time.”

Hill on Sarah Silverman: “Everyone’s like, ‘She’s hot for a comic.’ I don’t agree. She’s not just hot for a comic. She’s hot for someone her age.”

Sarah Silverman: “I can’t tell if this is the dais or the line to suck Judd Apatow’s balls. This dais is so Jewey. What is this, the Comedy Central audit of James Franco?”

Silverman: “James recently won the ally award for his support of the LGBT community. It’s a prestigious award that’s given anally, annually. It’s given annually.”

Silverman: “I have been a huge supporter of Aziz for years and for only the price of a cup of coffee.”

Silverman: “Jonah actually gained 50 pounds for his role in the new Martin Scorsese film because the producers wanted the character to be a Jonah Hill type. But seriously you’ve had such a body transformation in the past couple of years. You have come a long way from just being Sonny and Cher’s daughter.”

Silverman: “I don’t think James is gay or straight. It’s just that he literally can’t open his eyes enough to see who he’s f–king.”

Natasha Leggero: “Andy Samberg’s comedy group is called The Lonely Island, which is how each of his teeth feel.”

Leggero: “James Franco, acting, teaching, directing, writing, producing, photography, soundtracks, editing — is there anything you can do?”

Aziz Ansari: “I’ve been up here longer than I was in This Is The End. The funniest part of This Is The End to me is that if James Franco actually had that party I don’t think I would have been invited.”

Ansari: “I saw Jeff Ross at a comedy club the other night. A woman comes up to him and goes, ‘Hey, if you’re who I think you are, I’m definitely sleeping with you tonight.’ And he goes, ‘Hell yeah I’m Jeff Ross.’ And she goes, ‘Oops sorry. I thought you were the main orc from the Lord of The Rings.”

Ansari: “So many gay jokes tonightabout Franco. Apparently if you’re clean, well dressed and mildly cultured, you’re super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, dicks are going to just fly into your face.”

Jeff Ross: “Jonah almost couldn’t make it tonight because he had trouble finding a tuxedo that changes sizes every three hours. When Jonah’s agent told him that Quentin Tarantino wanted him to be in a spaghetti western, Jonah was like, ‘You had me at spaghetti.’”

Bill Hader: “Andy Samberg, looking forward to your new show Brooklyn 99. Funny cops. You’re always pushing the envelope Andy. What’s going to happen when you run out of funny crimes like graffiti and pickpockets? Can’t wait to see episode 10 when Brooklyn 99 has to deal with a rape. ‘Oh I dropped the rape kit. Sporgie Dorg!’”

James Franco: “I think this is truly my punishment for the Oscars.”

Franco: “I agreed to do this roast because I wanted to do something I’ve never done before — something that has zero artistic value, something nobody will remember three months from now, something that’s offensive, homophobic and stars horrifically untalented people and something that’s only a big deal to a handful of teenage stoners on Twitter. You might say, ‘James, didn’t you just describe Your Highness? I wouldn’t know I didn’t see Your Highness.”

Franco: “You say I sucked at the Oscars. I was a genius at the Oscars. That was experimental tuxedo sleep art. “

Franco: “The joke’s on all of you. This is not a roast. This is my greatest most elaborate art installation ever. I’m not the real guest of honor, these aren’t real comedians and we’re not even on a real network. What you’ve seen tonight was my brilliant opus to sequester an artistic visionary and subject him to the mindless incoherent trashings of talentless abnormalities. I call it Genius Unscathed and this is my masterpiece”


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