As reality TV-watching wasteoids, we’re using to dealing with annoying on-screen pop-up polls, aggressive hashtags (yes, even things in grey fonts at 75 percent opacity can be aggressive — it is the ’90s!), and promotional tie-ins. They’re so awful. Oh, how we suffer! But last night’s Million Dollar Listing: Los Angeles offered up the most absurd and inconsequential — and therefore my favorite — real-time viewer poll of the summer, when squirmy real estate weasel Josh Flagg agreed to let an underling treat him to an IHOP breakfast.
The passion of Flagg’s argument that IHOP needs to permanently switch its style of German pancakes from the half moon (pictured, barely, in diagram) back to the traditional rectangle really hit home for me. And the poll question stuck with me all night, whispering softly in my ear things like “You should be eating more carbs in Los Angeles” and “Why not pancakes topped with eggs?” It was stirring.
“The ones in West Hollywood — they serve it more like a Crepe Suzette!” Flagg continued angrily. It’s so true, and it should be a national outrage. The show needs more impassioned arguments like this one to balance out the intramural bitchery we usually between Flagg and Josh Altman.
“I might be a Jew, but I love German pancakes!” –Flagg
Meanwhile in the meatier crispy-side-of-bacon rest of the episode, all three of our beloved real estate rats had to deal with the comical incompetence of colleagues who also stood to make thousands and thousands of dollars, so why wouldn’t you just get off the drugs/lay off the injections long enough to be a normal human for, like, five minutes? Madison Hildebrand visited Loony Lisa, who appeared to be a wax figurine of Angelina Jolie (but, like, a discarded prototype they’d left to rot out on a mountain back in the ’80s) on quaaludes who was all too aware of the camera and kept miserably failing at her attempt to recite facts about the mansion she was showing…plus real think-pieces, like “Just think, if we were birds — this is what we would see in flight!” Her inflated lips would have made an amazing pool toy.
And that feathery-haired blond dude Madison tried to track down — fellow Malibu agent Birkenstock Bobby — was living in a fantasy world! How are these the people ruling the world? I hate everyone! Why do I watch this???
Josh Altman withheld significant information from seller’s agent and his good friend Marisa Zanuck — hey Bravo, why not add her as a regular…couldn’t hurt to have some lady business up in here, and she can keep shopping all day so you can product-place the living hell out of even more swanky boutiques! Altman’s buyers wanted to tear down Marisa’s family home in Beverly Park, and she found this out after agreeing to a $21 million deal. (OMG OMG OMG.) She got over the heartbreak rather quickly, I thought. Now where exactly is that champagne?
Oh, and Altman’s girlfriend/Madison’s former assistant Heather has a gaggle of terrible bitch-babe friends who are pressuring him to propose to her. Don’t do it, dude! You’re awful enough on your own!
Finally, after making love to a plate of German pancakes, Flagg coached his new protege, Billy Man-Child, in a brokers’ open for his own parents’ house. “SO THIS IS MY PARENTS’ HOUSE. I’M BEING AN AGENT!” he announced to guests while grinning like a jackal. I think his original idea of just offering them candy (or maybe a leftover bite of his chocolate chip pancakes with Mickey ears on special request) might have been more effective. Billy’s parents are the sort of laid-back-on-the-surface, preternaturally charismatic control freaks so common in L.A. I’ve become an expert in avoiding them in real life. And this is why I will never have any money.
I will certainly never attain my new OBSESSION: this mid-century modern door that could probably hypnotize me for days at a time. Much like Bravo!
“Million Dollar Grandma” Edith was tragically missing from this episode, but you can check in for updates from her on BravoTV.com. She might have a German pancake in her bra for you. Seize the day!
What did you think of last night? Once the sun set, do you think Loony Lisa crumbled to the ground like Teddy Ruxpin?