'Million Dollar Listing: Los Angeles' premiere: What are these weasels up to now?

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Image Credit: Adam Olszewski/Bravo

Thank God we didn’t even have to wait a week between installments of Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing. New York wrapped up last week, and Wednesday’s premiere of Los Angeles came out firing. (The guns are the Joshes’ middle fingers.) Yep, Madison, Josh, and Josh are back with more McMalibu PlayLands and sweeping city views to both intrigue and thoroughly disgust you as you contemplate your own sorry lot in life.

So how are they doing? Let’s catch up:

MADISON HILDEBRAND

The biggest news for me was in one of those barber-shop interludes between commercial breaks: Madison’s now dating a 38-year-old yoga instructor named Marcos! Meanwhile, he’s trying to sell the Malibu second home of hockey stud Sheldon Souray. “Did I mention he’s hot as hell?” Madison asked the camera. (Check.) The pair shared some deliciously awkward silence in Sheldon’s beachy Newport backyard when the seller encouraged his agent to become a fighter: “You just go as hard as you can for 30 seconds.” It seemed like they edited in other, MORE awkward silences to follow that one. Oh my. What if that was all the speaking either of them would do for the day?

Madison ended up renting Sheldon’s pad (against Sheldon’s will, kind of) to some kinky friends of his who had two dogs named Broadway and Tony. You could make that up, but what you definitely couldn’t have made up is that the woman claimed to have “lost her virginity twice” on a similar model to the house’s rather complicated toilet.

Mauricio, Heather’s new boss, teased Madison, Heather’s old boss, that she’d be his competition now. Ho hum.

JOSH FLAGG

First and foremost, Josh Flagg’s 93-year-old grandma, Edith, deserves her own spin-off or at least a weekly segment in which she can pull even more intriguing items than light bulbs out of her bra and give her grandson sound advice like “Most of the men — they don’t like the aggravations” and “That jacket is les miserables, that’s for sure. Why you have to have your stomach hanging out?” Indeed, that jacket was absurd.

Otherwise, Josh is trying to sell a house of lifelong intrigue, located steps from a popular Beverly Hills hotel. He laments that everyone in L.A. wants to tear down anything that’s over 20 years old — the seller is clinging to the idea that his property has more value than merely its $13 million (give or take $3 million) worth of dirt. “WOULD YOU TEAR VERSAILLES DOWN? FONTAINBLEU?” Oh Josh. These are not comparable. Well, until we noticed this….thing.

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Flagg claims there’s only three of these toilets left in the WORLD. So maybe a buyer should take that along with the dirt. Striking dirt all around.

Opposing insults!

“Flagg is like a weasel — he’s fascinated with my life. Maybe he’s so intrigued about how someone can make their own money as opposed to inheriting it.” –Altman. LOW BLOW.

“Josh Altman is just so slick…the typical slimy real estate agent.” –Flagg

These two just cannot handle their inherent twinsie-ness!

JOSH ALTMAN

Ugh. Dude made his crazy real estate mastermind friend Art a $1.5 million profit in less than a week…on a house he’d just moved into! I’d say the highlight of his storyline was when an extremely plasticine broker came by at night to “absorb the vibe” of the house for his hip, young, overseas client. This guy’s voice sounded exactly like Richard from Sex and the City (James Remar) and I kept praying he’d fall into the pool.

HEATHER

She’s still around. Living with Josh. Making some calls. But CAN WE TALK about the sexy photo spread in Heather and Josh’s new house?

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Who are they kidding!?

ARE YOU PLAYING ALONG?

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Throughout the show, viewers could vote in random polls. This one was my favorite — decide if this guy is a multimillionaire or a common bum! I guess the games are somewhat fun, especially when Josh Altman keeps losing every popularity contest by a landslide. But are the pop-ups too distracting? Did you ever vote?

DOUBLE BIRD-FLIP TO LAST YOU THE WEEK

Sorry, had to get in there for a sec. I felt so left out! [Vine]


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