'American Ninja Warrior': Play along while feeling utterly useless!

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Image Credit: NBC

It’s damn near impossible to simultaneously watch American Ninja Warrior (airing Sunday nights on G4 and Monday nights on NBC) and feel like a respectable human being. Not only are you doing nothing indoors (and watching this of all things?), but you are no ninja. Can you even lift your TV? Don’t even try. What’s the point? You’re a disgrace.

Below are my ill-fated suggestions for “playing along” during ANW — the magnificent Upper Body Beastliness obstacle course quickly winning the hearts and guts of millions of Americans who have less hope than ever of executing a single pull-up in their lifetimes. Rev up your appetite and get ready to live vicariously through these tremendous beasts — and hate yourself more than ever!

OBSTACLE 1: QUINTUPLE STEPS

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Retrieve a snack from the kitchen. Repeat five times. Go easy on this one. There’s a lot left to be done, but it’s all downhill from here.

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OBSTACLE 2: DOWNHILL JUMP

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Pfffft. Anyone could do this. Just ride a skateboard down any railing in your house, then grab whatever’s closest (chocolate?) for support. Move on. It gets darker.

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OBSTACLE 3: PRISM TILT

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Failure is starting to set in. Squat on the floor, put your head down, and recall your greatest disappointment of the day. Lean forward towards the TV and let the sorrow and shame pour right out of you. If you’ve done a forward somersault, you’ve gone too far and should be more ashamed than ever. Show some respect for the course.

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OBSTACLE 4: SWING JUMP

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Lift one arm up, then keep reaching at an incredibly awkward angle for the frosted caramel brownie you forgot on the counter behind you. While doing so, take some time to inspect the egregious decay of your tricep. Was it ever taut and purposeful, even once, when you were younger? How did you let this happen?

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OBSTACLE 5: CIRCLE CROSS

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Use all of the core strength in your possession to unwrap one of those gross artificially flavored fruit pies.

Great! You’re nasty. Ready for rounds 6-10?

NEXT PAGE: Prepare for a total f*cking meltdown at The Warped Wall and that blasted Salmon Ladder

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