'Orange Is the New Black': Why I stopped watching after three episodes

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Image Credit: Barbara Nitke/Netflix

Since everyone seems to be obsessed with Orange Is the New Black, I gave the new Netflix series a try the other night. Prone to binge-watching, I sat through three episodes before I decided to stop. Probably forever.

Look, I’m glad OITNB exists — it is, afterall, a show about women, written mostly by women, which revolves around something other than the two main characters “will they or won’t they” relationship. But that doesn’t mean I have to enjoy it. Here’s why I’m not watching anymore. (Warning: Spoilers to follow.)

5. Laura Prepon’s eyebrows: Sorry, lady. I couldn’t get past them. (Yes, I know this is superficial.)

4.  Alex’s entrance: In the first episode, we saw flashbacks of Piper Chapman’s (Taylor Schilling) life, and how she ended up in prison. The younger Piper met and fell in love with a drug-smuggler named Alex Vause (Prepon). Alex then used Piper to run money for her operation, and they all got caught. Now Piper’s in prison. And after what could only be described as the worst first day behind bars, Piper encounters her ex-girlfriend out in the courtyard. This is just too convenient. (And not how it happened in the book.)

3. All the men are terrible: For a show that celebrates females, making them flawed and three-dimensional, the men come in only one-dimension. Lame (Jason Biggs’ Larry), gross (Matt McGorry’s Bennet), grosser (Michael Harney’s Healy), and grossest (Pablo Schreiber’s Mendez a.k.a. Pornstache). Larry moans about his lack of sexual contact with his imprisoned fiancee; Bennet strikes up a relationship with an inmate; Healy runs his homophobic mouth and exchanges candy for gossip; Pornstache trades drugs for blow jobs from the women.

2. The gross-out factor: Between Red (Kate Mulgrew) serving Piper a used tampon sandwich, Piper regurgitating peppers into a pair of underwear, Larry (Jason Biggs) taking Piper’s brother’s advice and “edging” while watching porn, Pornstache’s entire existence, and Crazy-Eyes peeing on the floor, I had enough. (Semi-related sidenote: every time I lay eyes on Biggs, I think about him and the pie. It doesn’t help matters.)

1. I just don’t care about the main character: Schilling gives a great-performance as the privileged, aimless whiner who refuses to take responsibility for the fact that she knowingly ran drug money 10 years ago. Unlike other flawed anti-heroes (or heroines), however, I see no reason to root for her.

There are things I will miss, though. Mainly Natasha Lyonne’s Nicky and Sophia, played by Laverne Cox. And I realize I’ve only watched three episodes, so I admit that some of my complaints might be mitigated if I had stuck with the series. (Then again, I’m pretty sure Pornstache can’t be redeemed.) What about you, PopWatchers? Am I the only one who stopped watching?

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