Postie. Postie. (Can I call you Postie?)
What happened, dude?
When Anthony Weiner’s first cybersex scandal broke two years ago, your professional punsters went into overdrive. Your June 2, 2011, cover offered a delightful double-header: “Battle of the bulge: Weiner Exposed.” Five days later, you went with something a little classier: “Naked Truth,” superimposed on that now-famous image of Weiner’s bare torso. On June 8, you urged Weiner to “Fall on [His] Sword”; on June 10, you noted that Weiner planned to “stick out” his congressional term. (The cover story’s first line: “He’s taking a hard line.”)
On it went, for what seemed like weeks: “Obama Beats Weiner.” “Weiner’s Rise and Fall.” “Weiner’s Second Coming.” Even after he resigned from Congress and retreated from the spotlight, you couldn’t resist the opportunity to poke fun at Weiner: “A little Weiner,” you crowed when his son Jordan was born. “Weiner shows off his little one,” you blared when he posed with the kid last summer. (Points off for redundancy, but we admire the effort.)
But then, after Weiner went and handed you a glorious plate of Blue Scandal Special yesterday — when the world learned that he had another lewd cyber relationship with another 20-something after his resignation — you went and got cold feet. “Meet Carlos Danger”? Seriously — that’s the best you can do?
You couldn’t even add in some upside-down exclamation points or something?
Look, I know the competition is fierce. You’ve got Gawker taking the blunt angle (“Weiner Stays In, Dick Pics and All”), while U.S. News and World Report goes with something a little more sly (“Anthony Weiner Will Not Pull Out of NYC Mayoral Race”).
And then there’s your longtime rival, the New York Daily News, which managed to combine righteous outrage and a penile pun into one long screed of a cover hed: “THE NEWS SAYS: Enough of all the lies & salacious revelations. Weiner is not fit to lead America’s premier city. BEAT IT!” (Bonus: Inside, the cover story notes that Weiner used “the nom de perv ‘Carlos Danger'” while exchanging explicit messages. Bonus bonus: Right before the scandal broke, the Daily News published a different article about Weiner’s recent weight loss. That headline? “The incredible shrinking Weiner.”)
But even so, now is not the time to start showing what multiple critics call “surprising,” “uncharacteristic” restraint. (Twitter‘s not too pleased either.) You’ve got a reputation to uphold — heck, there’s a whole book devoted to your greatest headlines!
So please, Postie, step up your game. Pun-loving New Yorkers — nay, citizens of the world — depend on it.
Wait — what’s that you say? This is just the Late City Final edition — and the Metro Edition has its own punny cover? Never mind, then; things are looking up after all!