It’s official: The Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to the future monarch of the United Kingdom. Of course, as I write this mere moments after the blessed event, very little is known about the newest member of the House of Windsor. Will the little prince have its mother’s good looks or its father’s good looks pre-baldness? Where does it stand on the phone-hacking controversy? Will he marry North West or Blue Ivy Carter?
One thing’s for sure: The royal baby is going to have a wild life ahead of him. He’ll probably live for at least a century, if the genes are any indication. He will need to learn some valuable lessons. And what better place to begin the Royal Baby’s education than Game of Thrones, a TV show about crisscrossing royal bloodlines and fancy accents? Like the George R. R. Martin books that inspired it, Thrones is set in Westeros, which is basically England in the Middle Ages with more dragons and fewer magical swords. Here are ten lessons that’ll guarantee that King No-Name doesn’t lose his head, metaphorically speaking.
1. Stay on good terms with your family members. All of your family members. Siblings, parents, uncles, even embarrassing cousins. Seriously, you have to spend the rest of your life with these people, and if you aren’t careful, one of them might send their illegitimate magical shadow-baby to stab you in the back.
2. When traveling, it’s always better if you can speak the local language. Daenerys Targaryen — aka Daenerys Stormborn, aka Khaleesi, aka Dragon Lady — spends most of her days traveling from foreign city to foreign city. Local lords always think they can fool her. But she speaks the local language and studies the history of every spot she visits; very often, she becomes more popular with the local citizens than their own government. (Sometimes, she becomes the local government.)
3. Pay attention to your subjects in the outer provinces. Because everyone on Game of Thrones is too busy with the palace intrigue in Game of Thrones, nobody ever pays any attention to the poor Night’s Watch, even though they keep sending increasingly-urgent messages about an army of attacking ice-zombies. What I’m saying is, don’t forget about Canada, okay?
4. Don’t trust eunuchs. Although they make excellent bodyguards.
5. Don’t trust your friends. They will betray you.
6. Don’t trust your enemies. They don’t play fair.
7. Actually, don’t trust anyone. Especially not in Vegas.
8. Winter is Coming. Since you live in England, it’s pretty much always winter. Put on a coat!
9. The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. Since you have no actual political power, the moral of this lesson is basically that you should carry a sword on you at all times. You’re royalty, gosh darn it! If you can’t carry a sword, who can? You think Prime Minister David Cameron can wield a sword? Yeesh, speaking of eunuchs, amiright? #BritishPoliticalHumour
10. Do not have sex with anyone in your immediate family. Because something like this could happen.