The second season of
the decline and fall of western civilization Here Comes Honey Boo Boo premiered tonight on TLC — and it’s safe to say that fame and fortune haven’t changed the Thompson clan one lick.
They’re still living in a modest single-family home in tiny McIntyre, Georgia. They’re still eating their special brand of locally-sourced cuisine (on the menu tonight: roadkill pig!). They’re still making their own fun, breaking out buckets of butter for impromptu food fights and throwing a Dukes of Hazzard — sorry, that’s Dukesy Hazzard — theme party for patriarch Sugar Bear’s birthday.
And, of course, they’re still doing wondrous, eminently quotable things to the English language — which viewers like you can enjoy at home, thanks to TLC’s helpful subtitles. What are the lines you’ll be repeating incredulously over brunch this weekend? Try these:
— A sign at a farm stand near the Thompson family’s house. You know, like that 1996 hit: “Movin’ to the country/Gonna et a lot of peches.”
“Not having my phone really sucks, like monkey balls. Feel like I’m back in, like, medieval times, because when they had black and white TV, when there was no cell phones, ****, I don’t see how anyone lasted.”
— Mama June, instantly regretting her decision to stash every cell phone in the house in an empty cheese ball bucket.
“I’m kind of one of those, ‘do as I say, not…’ You do what I say, not what you tell me what to do.”
— Mama June, admitting that she actually still has her phone.
“You fart in your hand, and throw it at your enemy’s face.”
— Alana, a.k.a. Honey Boo Boo herself, explaining her brilliant signature wrestling move: the Cup-a-Fart.
“My roadkill wish list is a rabbit, a hamster, a monkey. They go crazy. A bird, a butterfly, a porcupine. Because you can pick your teeth with the quills. And… a wild pig. Raccoon. A gopher. A helephant. A lion. This is making he hungry, too.”
— Alana, describing the local delicacies she’d most like to sup upon.
“Why waste money in the store when it’s fresher and cleaner on the side of the road?”
— Mama June, exercising common sense.
“HOG JOWL! HOG JOWL!”
— The family, chanting, as they bring their prize pig home.
— Pumpkin, a.k.a. Lauryn, after hiding an errant kernel of corn in her bellybutton.
“This is what happens every time I leave y’all by y’all selves!”
— Mama June, arriving home to find three of her daughters literally covered in butter. So like… the trash bag outfits and wasted dairy products are a regular thing?
“I like go-karts. Who don’t like go-karts? Go karts rhyme with go-farts.”
— Alana, a budding poet.
— McIntyre’s very own Punctuation Crow, handy as a way to punch up confessional interviews.
“The can’s helping you now.”
— Chubbs, a.k.a. Jessica, leaving her mother to plan the Dukesy Hazzard party all by her lonesome.
“Today is my birthday. Yippee. [scratches balls]“
— Sugar Bear, American hero.
“I just closed my eyes, imagined Daisy Duke, and started whacking it.”
— Sugar Bear again. He’s talking about a piñata.
“HUMPIN TO PLEASE.”
— A McIntyre sign that gives “PECHES” a run for its money.
“Okay… whatev… I mean…”
— Mama June, immediately after exiting the bathroom and finding that Sugar Bear wants to have some “alone time” with her.
“If you wanna romance me and you wanna get in my pants, per se — new crockpot, new deep fryer, might get you to first base.”
— Mama June, explaining how to rub her the right way (and testing out her Latin skills).
“I really had a wonderful birthday, but this is the best part of the day.”
— Sugar Bear, on getting to spend some one-on-one time with his wife. Aww, these nuts really do care about each other!
Did I miss anything?