'Naked and Afraid': Punishment in Panama

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Discovery’s Naked and Afraid continues to pair up stronger women with comparatively more whiny and inexperienced men.  Of course since they’re showing us 21 days worth of footage in about 40 minutes, we don’t know the whole story. It seems fair to favor Laura over Clint this week, though — her one allowed survival object was a huge machete, while he brought goggles….and then refused to stay in the water!

A lot more happened last week — those of us who endured it shall never forget Jonathan poop-souping 10 feet from the shelter, or Alison tearfully apologizing to the eel she just ravaged in the sparkling sea. So I’ve tweaked the naked-survival stages from last week, just a bit. Below are The Seven Stages of Survival on Discovery’s ‘Naked And Afraid’ as seen on episode 4, “Punishment in Panama.”

1. BUTTS

Their initial naked encounter was amusing enough. “I don’t wanna stare at someone I’m not attracted to for 21 days,” Clint warned the cameras. “I hope he’ll be professional and not focus on that,” Laura chimed in. (Professional what?! Let’s not expect too too much from a fellow crazy person who wants to maybe-live in Cayo Island off Panama, an “oppressively humid place” with “putrid swamps” and deadly pit vipers.)

2. ADAM AND EVE WITH BAD TATTOOS

The pair found an idyllic Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Room-esque smattering of “water apples — “like something out of a kids book,” marveled Clint — on Day 1, along with a fresh water source. The apple pasture was a red (fruit) herring, though — these two could not find a proper protein source to save their lives, and the sugary fruit was not enough to ward off what the narrator ominously called “the psychological effects of starvation — they are anxious, impatient, and withdrawn.” So fun!

Eventually Laura caught a small sea urchin, which Clint refused to eat (calling it “so gross”) and then two lobsters in a cute trap she’d fashioned in the middle of apparently al shark-infested area, from which Clint had fled, claiming he was “NOT A SWIMMER” and is “freaked out by anything having to do with the ocean.” How the hell did he arrive here with a 6.9 Primitive Survival Rating then?

Also, they’re clearly fed info on what to say/expect from the producers. Too bad the info has zero nutritional value. I found it hilarious that Laura wanted such luxurious sea gems as lobsters and conch.

Then Clint killed a tiny baby alligator two days before they left. The food situation was pretty miserable/unexciting overall. The best part, I guess, was the creepy glowing-eye effect of the mama ‘gator as she watched two humans on a weight-loss expedition kill her baby. Actually when I put it like that it’s just sad. Life is sad.

3. A WORLD WITHOUT FIRE

It took EIGHT DAYS for them to get flaming via the Bow Drill fire starter, a primitive method insisted upon by Laura. Clint was the one who finally activated the spark after cranking about how useless her idea was for many days. “I was stubborn, set in my ways,” he said, “but I’m very, very grateful.”

They needed that fire, so Laura could use it to treat her INSANE CORPSE FEET produced by flesh-eating sand flies. Only click that if you’re sure you want to see what that means!

4. BICKERING

It honestly wasn’t too bad, though throughout the 21 days, Laura was shown indulging in her “lonerism” by working solo (and not very effectively, it seemed) on a raft. Clint, who claimed to be doing most of the physical labor, was consistently discouraged with his subordinate role with Laura. He should have sought guidance via his very macho tattoo that seemed to feature, as best as I could tell, a skull, a cowboy hat, and two guns. All of those except maybe the skull could have come in handy on the island. A skull would’ve made a pretty sweet fire pit decoration.

“We’re literally cannibalizing ourselves right now to survive,” claimed Laura. No! They weren’t! It is generally a bad idea to use “literally” at any point. Just avoid it.

5. GET REAL GOTHY ABOUT IT

“I go into anaphylactic  shock, I’d be dead within minutes and there’d be nothing Clint could do to save me. Now I feel like these vultures are circling me just waiting for me to die.” –Laura

“We’re having to fight the waves and the current with no energy — it just looks like death. Especially on a homemade raft.” –Clint

“Laura and Clint have been besieged by sand flies. Chitra bites can cause fever, or liver and spleen enlargement. [Pause.] AND ANEMIA.” –the narrator

6. RELUCTANTLY BENIGN SHARED FATIGUE

“You have a fly on your hip.”
“I feel it.”
“Get it!
“I’m too tired.”

This lasted for days!

7. BACK TO BUTTS

Laura will never take food for granted again, having not eaten any for 21 days. She lost 17 pounds. But let’s give three-times-15 cheers for freakin’ Clint, who lost a grand total of 45 pounds and came out not only alive, but with a whole different chiseled face!

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“Now that I’m off the island, I think I’d do it again in a heartbeat,” said Clint. Liar!

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