27 years ago today, Lindsay Morgan Lohan — née Lindsay Dee Lohan — was born in New York City.
It would be easy enough to mark the occasion by snarking about the state of her career — or with a much darker headline. Somehow, though, doing that wouldn’t feel right. Despite everything — and I do mean everything — Lindsay has said, done, and struck with her car over the past nine-ish years, there’s still a part of me (and maybe even a part of you) that wants to see her bounce back from her self-imposed train-wreckitude and emerge newly born, like a phoenix rising from an ashy nest of hair extensions and cigarette butts.
But why, exactly, am I rooting for Lindsay — and still fascinated by her, after all these years? Let me count the ways:
1. Her ace black and white court attire. It’s the duality of Lohan, guys!
2. Mean Girls, which — let’s face it — may as well be reasons 2-27 on this list. Some movies give an actor a lifetime pass, no matter what else they do professionally or in their personal lives; Mean Girls is one of those movies.
3. Her first-ever television appearance — on Letterman, in 1992, as a trick-or-treater dressed as garbage.
4. Her close and, by all accounts, genuine friendship with Charlie Sheen.
5. Her intense love triangle with Hilary Duff and Aaron Carter, circa 2003.
6. The way she says “I’m bored. I’M SO BORED” in Liz & Dick.
7. The entirety of “Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father).” When will we finally get to hear Spirit in the Dark, Linds?!
8. She prepared for her most recent rehab stint by Instagramming a photo of her packing, accompanied by a caption that read, “90 days and 270 looks.”
9. The fact that Bling Ring thief Alexis Neiers really did end up in a cell next to her at Century Regional Correctional Facility in 2010.
10. Her pet peeve, as told to Vanity Fair 10 years ago: “People who are fake.”
11. Her poised, funny appearance on Letterman earlier this year (seriously!).
12. Her horrendous April Fools 2013 joke.
13. Her attempt to sue Pitbull, Ne-Yo, and Afrojack for singing, “Hustlers move aside, so I’m tiptoein’, to keep flowin’ / I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan.”
14. The Canyons, which could set a new high watermark for cinéma terrible.
16. And then there’s I Know Who Killed Me, a tawdry thriller exquisite in its awfulness. Spoiler: Lohan figures out who “killed” her by going to Ask.com and searching “bleeding wounds unexplained.”
17. That time she lost her “free Carvel ice cream for life” card because her mom was abusing the privileges it bestowed.
18. The possibility of a sequel to Life-Size, a Lohan-Tyra Banks joint from 2000. Shine bright, shine far!
21. Her tumultuous relationship with Samantha Ronson, which should be the subject of Sofia Coppola’s next movie.
22. Her appearance at 2012’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner. What in the world did she and Greta van Susteren talk about?
23. This video of her aging 25 years in 60 seconds.
24. Her court-appointed community service at the LA County Morgue.
25. Her Strong Island-born love for Billy Joel.
26. Her commitment to filming commercials while under house arrest.
27. The hair. Always, the hair.
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