Hello dear Real Housewives of New Jersey devotees! Or should I start calling it the Real Husbands/ Children/ Cousins of New Jersey instead? Sure seems like a lot of the drama is starting to include more of the outside family members. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Manzo children more than I love my own family (kidding, but not really), but it’s time that the show starts centering around the women once again. In any case, let’s recap the latest episode, “Everything is Coming up Rosie,” featuring everyone’s favorite sister:
Since when did Caroline become Teresa’s go-to person for advice? Okay, I’ll let that slide. Teresa called Caroline about the run-in with her brother Joe Gorga at the gym (and I know it seems staged, but as a native Jersey girl I will go on the record and say that you run into everyone at your gym/ restaurant/ movie theater — EVERYONE). Caroline chatted with her, but decided that she should try and stay out of it. First great decision you’ve made all year, girl.
This episode focused a lot on Caroline’s perfect family. I know, I know, no one is perfect! But the Manzos sure do come close. The three musketeers of Manzo children always manage to bring a smile to my face: Their relationship is just so genuine and refreshing in this sea of Housewives sibling dramatic madness. The kids spoke mainly about how their view on marriages differ from other people’s views thanks to their parents nontraditional relationship. As Albie says: “I would rather be insanely happy with someone who I see once a week rather than mediocrity seven days a week.” Wow, that’s incredibly insightful and understandable. But also kind of sad. Albie, you can have it all!
Chris decided that he doesn’t want kids and Lauren thinks that she’s too young and wants to focus on her career — wait, what is that? A young adult on a reality show with a good head on her shoulders? Revolutionary.
Al showed off his skills in the kitchen — or lack thereof — and said one of my new favorite quotes of all time: “This is gonna be a real cramp in the d-ck.” Okay, Al.
Jacqueline, Caroline, Kathy and Rosie decided to go for a night out at a Benefit function — the makeup line, not an actual benefit. Jacqueline then wanted to try eyebrow threading and I immediately thought “Oh my God, please don’t let this be your storyline.” Gotta hand it to her, homegirl looks great, no matter what plastic surgery she’s had. Whatever makes you happy. Plus, as Caroline pointed out, Jacqueline has been dealing with a lot at home with Nicholas, so she deserves a treat.
Speaking of Nicholas, man did my heart break last night. Jacqueline suffered a couple of setbacks with her autistic toddler and wound up collapsing in tears. Her husband Chris, also known as the greatest husband ever, comforted her and then Nicholas ran over and gave them kisses. Honestly, it’s scenes like this that remind me why I still watch the show amidst all the negativity and horrible people. While Teresa and Melissa are arguing about sprinkle cookies, Jacqueline feels like she’s letting down a whole community if she can’t cure her son’s autism. See what that is T and M? An actual problem.
Yeesh — where do I start? Kathy and Richie used to be a pleasure to watch, but now their interactions are kind of like listening to fingernails on a chalkboard. Kathy is getting her whole cannoli business on the move and Richie keeps on trying to take it over. In his words, “I married a housewife, not an entrepreneur.” Come on Rich, we can’t root for you if you say awful things like that.
Rich spends money on thousands of boxes that Kathy hates and his reasoning is actually pretty sound. Kathy had an idea for an elaborate decorative box, which would have been ripped to shreds in an instant, and you gotta start small before you can get there. Unfortunately, Richie doesn’t know how to convey his good ideas in a reasonable manner. To redeem himself, Richie rented a beautiful kitchen warehouse for his Kathy from hot-vampire-complete-with-cross-but-wearing-horrible-light-wash-jeans Jacob VanDerBerg. Kathy didn’t recognize his good intentions, however, and is getting tired of Richie’s controlling ways. “After 21 years of marriage, I can’t take it anymore.” Yikes, Kath.
Did anyone else want to strangle Melissa with her beautifully blown out hair this week? Joe Gorga confronted Melissa about some Tweet dig she threw at Teresa. Melissa admitted to it, Joe got mad, and I stopped caring. In Joe’s defense, it is hard to mend relationships with people if you keep on snapping at them (that goes for you too, Tre). But Joe lost some points with me when he said “from now on, when you’re doing something wrong, I’m gonna educate you.” That just sounds so wrong for so many reasons and I’m pretty sure that statement put women back at least fifteen years. There’s nothing wrong with a man taking a little control here and there but pulling a Richie/ Joe in such a blatant way is a big no-no. I will say that it was nice to see Melissa tell Antonia to go do her homework so that her parents can have an adult conversation. See, Teresa, you don’t talk to your young children about grown-up things!
Melissa spent the rest of the episode struggling with whether or not she should include a paragraph about her father cheating in her new book. She decided that she would have to ask her mother for permission before exposing such a family secret, cause, you know, SHE DIDN’T JUST ANNOUNCE IT ON NATIONAL TV OR ANYTHING. Donna, Melissa’s mother, told her to do what she had to do, Melissa, deciding that her life was perfect, decided to take a small dig at her mother by saying that the inclusion of that story is imperative to her being such a good wife today sine she now knows to make her husband as happy as he can be so that he doesn’t leave home to get the goods. Ugh.
Aaaaand the impossible has happened. For the first time in two and a half seasons, I don’t completely hate Teresa. Perhaps I might want to shake her a little bit, but hatred? Nope. This is progress.
I don’t want to pick on babies, but Milania is just a struggle fest. I have never seen such a mouth on a six-year-old. Seriously. She wasn’t at her worst this week and her and Gabriella playing soccer was adorable until their dad said “She [referring to Melissa] definitely straps one on and sticks it in his a—”. Okay, Joe. Thanks for That. Teresa, not realizing that she should probably say “Honey, that is seriously not okay” just awkwardly smiles and pretends to not enjoy it. Also, props for Joe Giudice for knowing what a Napoleon complex is — who would have thought that he was the brains in the relationship?
Watching Teresa type was one of the funniest moments documented. I guess she proved the naysayers wrong, she definitely writes her own blog! Still don’t believe you, Tre.
Rosie, this episode’s honorary housewife, decided to call up Teresa to try and fix their own family conundrum (well, at least the Kathy stuff). Teresa walked into the bar looking like an extremely tan wolf-woman while Rosie was there early giving herself some liquid courage (more like liquid rage). Teresa sat down and said “I hate winter” while her smile said “… and you.” Tre asked for some wine and Rosie got her a cocktail instead. It took about five seconds before the two started screaming at each other and all of the other patrons sat awkwardly not knowing what to do.
Now honestly, I’m not quite sure what the fight was about. All I heard was a bunch of squeaking and table banging. At this point, it’s turned into white noise. If these ladies start speaking in a normal tone then maybe people will listen to them more. Instead, Rosie starts the conversation by saying “Lately when your name comes up, I get very f—king angry.” Your move, Teresa. This isn’t going to go well.
Teresa blames Kathy, Rosie blames Teresa, the two agree that their parents (who are siblings) should talk before they die, Teresa says that Kathy has the power to fix it (apparently, so does Melissa) because nothing is ever her fault. Both look like their gonna cry/ rip out their vocal cords. Teresa mentions how her brother crossed the line when bringing up the whole c-word incident from last season and compares it to her talking about Melissa. No honey, that’s not the same. You see, you hate Melissa for small petty reasons. Your husband called you a c-word in front of the nation, I think your brother can give you a tiny intervention. Rosie says that Teresa should figure out her thing with her brother but also focus on Kathy. And then all of a sudden, the yelling stops. Rosie thinks Teresa’s idea to go on a holistic retreat with the whole family is genius. They kiss and hug goodbye. And I have a headache.
Next Week: Let’s go on a retreat! Kim D. returns, Melissa might have cheated and Jacqueline returns to her angry Season 4 Reunion self.
So what did you guys think? Wasn’t the scene with Joe Gorga and Rosie adorable? Wasn’t Richie’s goatee an abomination? And how can I get one of the Manzo sons to marry me?
P.S. Did anyone see the preview for Real Housewives of Miami. Is anyone else as excited as me? It really turned around last season. I’m a little upset that some of my favorites are gone but welcome back Alexia! I can’t wait to watch the show where the sixty-year-olds look like forty-year-olds and the forty-year-olds look like deformed twenty-year-olds and the twenty-year-olds look like aliens.