'MasterChef': Wednesday, Bloody Macaroons

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Thank God for HD, right? (I don’t care what any of the judges say. These still look amazing.)

It’s all about the final Pressure Test on MasterChef. Last week’s lemon meringue pie did Bimi in, and this week two home chefs had to enter a sweat-streaked macaroon WAR ZONE to fight for their places in summer’s hottest competition of who can stir up the most sh*t cook random stuff the best. Who would ultimately fall apart easier than his own confection?

In the end, my beloved Mohawked sugar-loving New Englander lost his temper, delivering a fatal blow to his overstuffed macaroon box, and our hearts. It was such a close call — Johnny Maple Syrup’s final product tasted better, but Lynn Sweat Rag’s looked better, and with this crazy cookie presentation is key. I do believe that if Johnny had just placed two cookies outside the box like Lynn did, he’d have knocked out the artful plater, whom everyone (except Bri) considers a frontrunner.

So Johnny’s gone. You just can’t brutalize America’s favorite adopted cookie, le macaron, on television! “I just wish you’d shown a little more respect for what they were,” Graham Elliot muttered quietly as Johnny stewed in the aftermath of his crime.

Oh, the drama! It took a full 45 seconds (not including the commercial break) to finally unveil Johnny’s macaroon massacre. Some people politely looked away…

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While ironically, the vegetarian could not.

This show gets more entertaining every week, but it’s frustrating that the contestants who do the best in the episode’s challenges (and are therefore some of the only contestants featured at all) end up on the chopping block by the end. Having Krissi the villain and Bri the scaredy cat exempt front the pressure test was bad enough; why didn’t Gordon at least force Luca — who earlier had used fish sauce in a crab “ris-ah-tto” — to enter the macaroon war zone?

Tonight’s Mystery Box Top 3: Johnny, Jessie, and winner Lynn

Eliminated midway through the episode: Fatally land-locked Tennessean Beth

Team Challenge Winners: Natasha’s red team: Eddie, Jordan, Savannah, Bethy (wait, there’s a Bethy and a Beth?)

The teams had to cater a delightfully fake wedding for two discerning foodies. Disastrously, James’ blue team fell seven tables behind, and poor, drenched, tall drink of perspiration Lynn kept “sweating on the f–king food.” He’d wipe his brow and then WIPE THE PLATES. Aggggghhhhhh! (This was much, much more horrifying than the macaroon massacre, by the way, which I’d have gladly gobbled up with a spoon, or no spoon.)

Graham Elliot swept in to expedite, but the red team’s halibut beat out the blue team’s rack of lamb. Neither entree looked that great, but how could they, really, after Graham’s Michelin-starred spring pea essence with whipped creme fraiche, pink peppercorn, and lavender infusion? That thing was quite literally a bouquet in a bowl. Good God, I wanted it.

Following the entrees, Gordon Ramsay’s sticky toffee pudding (help, I’m salivating onto my keyboard. I need a rag!) with brown butter ice cream and a “really nice caramel sauce” was served and EVERYONE DIED. What a way to go, though! Good friends, good times, sticky pudding. Sweaty plates.

NOTABLE BITES:

Cooking is blindness: Season 3 winner and recent author of a “stunning cookbook” Christine Ha (pictured) returned to give the judges an excellent reason to completely mess with the contestants’ heads: They’d need to cook the random pig’s head parts blindfolded. PSYCH! Not really. Only an insane person would cook without looking! The blindfolds came off (except Natasha’s, which she endearingly wore as a Rambo headband) and the crab challenge was on. Oh, except for Evil Krissi, who had to cook gross catfish after Lynn sabotaged her with the least desirable protein option from Christine’s stunning cookbook. The judges claimed Krissi phoned it in, but I don’t know. It’s catfish, so who really cares/how can you succeed…plus, I really wanted those cheddar-bacon potatoes.

Girl, what show do you think you’re on?! “I have to cook a pig’s head and now I have to cook a live animal?” wondered “strong vegetarian” Bri.

I love: How Gordon Ramsay always excitedly announces exactly what he’d cook in every challenge, something simple yet refined that would blow all those other dummies away. “I. Would make a stunning crab bisque!” (etc.)

YOU ARE NOT A FOODIE: If, like the delightfully fake wedding’s bossy bride, Anya, you refuse to eat olives. I can see getting on board with no peanuts, beets, radishes, celery root, fennel, bell peppers, and “dill of any kind” — if I had to and wanted to be a really lame eater — but no olives?! Absurd. This line from Anya was a hoot, though: “This is not the day to teach me that I will suddenly like Indian food.”

Burn: “I honestly think he’s a joke.” –team captain Natasha re: second-to-last-picked Italian cook Luca. “Don’t forget your sauce!” Joe Bastianich yelled as Luca walked away from the crab challenge.

Double burn: This chyron.

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JILTED.

Triple burn: “Natasha, are you listening to anything, or are you THAT F–KING ARROGANT?” –Gordon

Biggest burn of all? “For a home cook — good job.” –Graham to Lynn

Mystery Contestant: Savannah? Pink shirt. Never seen her before in my life.

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To cap off an emotionally brutal final scene, the episode ended with a FABULOUS Johnny/Lynn hug. “Love you, man,” said Lynn. “Go get it,” replied Johnny. Aaaaand I’m crying. Could just be sweat!

Happy with tonight’s results? Were Johnny’s macaroons unforgivable?

Next week: Eva Longoria (she eats?) and a “shocking person does not make the Top 10.” Ooh!

Read more:
‘MasterChef': Evil Krissi vs. Jessie’s chopped off finger
‘MasterChef’ season 4: What are you missing?

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