In the craziest MasterChef of the season (or two, I guess — Fox is very fond of the double-episode bonanza), two people headed home, Jessie lost a fingertip in a mandolin slicer, and Krissi emerged as a loathsome reality TV super villain for the ages. But first: a hilarious just-shy-of-insulting Sue Sylvester role call!
That’s right — Jane Lynch was on hand in the McKinley High choir room to introduce the team challenge: Cook a 100-person lunch for the cast and crew of Glee. But to make this somewhat oppressive network tie-in worth our while, she got into character. You all remember Sue’s classic roll call in season 1, right? (I think we were all watching Glee back then.) “Wheels! Gay kid! Asian! Other Asian! Aretha! Shaft!” This time she modified the slurs for the 14 remaining chefs, calling red team captain Jessie “Beauty” and blue team captain Krissi “Beast.” I’d feel bad for Krissi here if she wasn’t THE ABSOLUTE WORST.
Best Jane Lynch line: “Black guy: Beauty!” Seemed to be her easiest designation of the pack. (That would be Eddie, who won the Mystery Box challenge in the first ep of the night.)
Jessie slicing off a significant chunk of her finger was one of the nastiest things I’ve seen on TV — as if it wasn’t enough to zoom in on the icky green powder cauterizing (?!) the wound, they then panned over to a huge knife swatting away half of her fingernail on the slicer! I was actually fascinated by the lack of blood left on the tip — it looked like a prop. Quick and easy. Goodbye, finger.
Yet throughout the bloody nerve-damage ordeal, I couldn’t stop obsessing over how much I wanted both Jessie and James to put on hairnets. Also, I haven’t even mentioned food yet. But we all know this competition’s not really about cooking.
Krissi, the 34-year-old paralegal from Philly, is a complete monster. After endearing herself to Lidia Bastianich (“Joe’s Mom,” said her apron, when really his should have said “Lidia’s Son”!) during the first ep via flattery and a lifetime of solid Italian cooking, Krissi went back on her promise that “the captain goes down with the ship” and sent four team members on an absurd final elimination challenge while she sat it out, mocking them from the balcony. She used the “I have a child” excuse, explaining that her son would want her to save herself — while poor Bime, who has two daughters who probably could’ve benefitted from a million dollars as well, labored below. She was GIGGLING at his errors!
The ‘lemon meringue pie WITHOUT LEMON’ challenge at the end was oh so very absurd. I’m sorry but how could you not send home Jordan, the guy whose salmon was deemed a huge loser by a vote of 52-2?! Instead, Jordan got to stick around in the competition because he was the ONLY PERSON WHO COULD BAKE A PIE. Just, that makes zero sense! I mean, obviously, because this is MasterChef.
RESULTS: In the end, Bime had to give up his apron and I guess it’s just as well because you can kill people by serving them raw chicken thighs. Oh, and in the first episode, San Diego native Howard received a blistering Joe Bastianich takedown — seems our steely-eyed judge might have been showing off for his mama. Not impressed by Howard’s cavalier attitude and willful ignorance of classic pasta flavor combinations, Joe delivered this blow: “The only thing worse than a cook who can’t boil is a narcissist who’s in denial. THANK YOU FOR NOTHING.” Howard’s gone too. Gordon Ramsay even shamed him into eliminating himself!
Jeez. Were the bell pepper/jalapeno/chicken agnolotti that bad? I would have gladly swept in to devour that entire dish before Joe brutally chucked it under the table.
Next week: PIG HEADS. I’m sure I’ll be watching. You? And how awful is Krissi? Discuss.