Miss USA 2013: Important things you missed

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Good God, how I love a pageant! Miss USA and Donald Trump always manage to select the finalists with the most compelling passions. Here’s what you missed:

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First up was the bikini competition. Just kidding! That only looks like a bathing suit. Those “bodyguards” in the background, by the way, wore glasses with blinking red lights on them. It’s just one of the dozens of ways the year 2013 has failed us…today.

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Hey, there’s Olivia Munn.

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Kate Middleton…

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Brooke Burke?

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Jenna Elfman’s grandmother?

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“This is what I look like lying down!” said Giuliana Rancic to knowing co-host Nick Jonas. No, but really: Giuliana’s best line of the night was “We have got a great show for dads — and the whole family.”

Best informative voiceover moment:

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“Interesting fact here: Kristin said the toughest part about competing in Miss U.S.A. was giving up pasta!” 


As it turns out, the easiest part about watching Miss U.S.A. was not giving up pasta. [Vine]

Tragically, I missed a double nip slip, perhaps the night’s most viral moment, during my much-tamer-on-the-West Coast telecast — not that I would feel right posting this here anyway.

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So THIS got awkward. The Jonas Brothers performed “Pom Poms” during the swimsuit competition. Here’s Nick whiffing on the choreography.

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No blondes in the Top 6? An outrage!

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OH NO. It’s Pauly D! “Since this week in Las Vegas is dedicated to Electronic Dance Music,” explained Nick Jonas (WHAT?), “everyone’s favorite DJ” was on hand to fist pump behind his MacBook Pro.

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When asked whether it was a problem that men make more money than women, Miss Utah delivered the night’s most profound answer. A transcript:

“We can relate this back to education and how we are continuing to”.….[long pause, glances around]…….[a pin drops]…..”figure out how to create jobs right now”…..[hours pass]…..”especially for men are seen as the leaders of this and so we need to try and figure out how to create education better so we can solve this problem.”

I! Don’t! Care! I love it.

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Congratulations to Miss USA 2013, Connecticut’s Erin Brady! Erin is a 25-year-old financial accountant who also plays Marnie on Girls. Appropriately, she will receive her own apartment in New York City for one year. And then she’s out on the streets for good!

We are all winners, though. Especially Pauly D. He’s a DJ!

Previously: Awkward utterances during the Miss Universe swimsuit competition


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