Kim Kardashian and Kate Middleton in 'King Me': The baby-switch epic that must be made!

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Image Credit: Samir Hussein/WireImage; Larry Busacca/Getty Images

You’re gonna want to sit down for this one, Roger. No baloney, it is dynamite. I’m not pitching it to anyone else. After what we did together on the Alan Colmes revenge fantasy I’m All That’s Left, I can’t imagine anyone else but you producing this one … though I’m meeting with Imagine tomorrow about something else. Anyway … Are you ready for this? Are you ready for this? It’s Trading Places meets Look Who’s Talking … Right? I know. Genius. Stay with me now.

You know how Kim Kardashian and Kate Middleton are pregnant? Turns out they’re due the same day. What. If… They gave birth at the same hospital. Now Kimye is having a girl but let’s scrap that and go in the other direction. They both have boys. And by some clerical error… the babies are switched. You following? No one notices at first, or if they do, they’re afraid to say something. But the fact of the matter is, the future King of England is really Kanye and Kim’s offspring. And the baby being blinged-out on the upcoming season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians has royal blood. Royal blood, Roger!

Yes, of course the babies can talk; it doesn’t work if they can’t talk. Just like Bruce Willis in Look Who’s Talking. The other characters can’t hear them, but the audience can. And of course, they sound like you think they should. The future King of England — let’s call him Todd — uses slang and tries to interrupt the Queen during public appearances. Maybe he even insists on wearing shades around the palace. The baby that Kimye bring home — who they literally name King — has a British accent and answers every question with a simple thumbs-up or thumbs-down. The Kardashians treat him like a prince, giving him everything and anything he wants. But he has absolutely no talent to speak of. The Kardashians clan isn’t bothered by this, but Kanye begins to have doubts when the kid exhibits none of his skills.

Finally, it’s Fashion Week. The boys are 7 years old now, and they accompany their famous mothers to New York for the unveiling of Kim’s new line of jogging heels. The moms drop them off at One Percent Child Care for the day, and Todd and King come face to face with their alternative destinies. They hit it off and become playmates. Two weeks later, though, both families get a phone call. The blood tests that the boys took — you know, to get admitted into One Percent — have come back, and the results reveal the truth. Now, the two families have to chose: do they give up the child they’ve raised from birth and exchange him for their biological offspring? It becomes a Sophie’s Choice for Kate, but Kim wants to swap because E! promises to extend her TV deal for three more years if she can make the trade. Plus, there are geopolitical considerations: if Kimye keep King, British royal experts are arguing that he is the heir to the monarchy. When Kanye hears this, he moves to prevent the trade, and actively plans to kill William in order to secure the throne for the child he’s raised as his own.

So we’ve gone from Trading Places to Look Who’s Talking to Sophie’s Choice… and finally to Game of Thrones. The last 35 minutes of the movie are action-packed as Kanye and his entourage storm the stage at the BAFTA Awards and take Prince William hostage. Kanye thrusts a dagger into King’s little hand and orders him to kill his biological father. But the kid won’t. He refuses. Kayne insists. Then, out of nowhere, Todd, bursts in and pleads for mercy. It’s like Sydney Carton from Great Expectations when he says, “The quality is mercy and not sprained.” Kanye and King look at each other. A tear falls from Kanye’s eyes. He lowers the dagger. They hug, like a real father and son. Can you see it? Not a dry eye in the theaters, I’m telling you. Kanye and King walk out together, fist-bumping Todd on the way out.

Fast-forward 30 years, at the coronation of King Todd. He’s got the crown and scepter and all the other royal crap. Pan to the audience to the Kardashian clan — they’re all dressed like royalty from some different planet. Except for King, who’s wearing the exact same crown and coat as Todd. They wink at each other — two brothers from a different mother. And… fade out.

Of course I’ve got a title. I’m calling it King Me.

No?

Well, I’m not wed to the happy ending. We can kill Prince William. No, wait! They think it’s Prince William at the BAFTAs but it’s really Daniel Day-Lewis in disguise!

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I understand. No, I get it. No one wants to kill Daniel Day-Lewis.

You’re right, maybe it is more an idea for television. Masterpiece Theatre, maybe.

Do you validate parking?

Read more:
The unbearable narcissism of Kanye’s big ‘Yeezus’ interview
Kate Middleton’s fashion encyclopedia

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