Tonight, VH1′s Hit the Floor, one of summer TV’s potential guiltiest pleasures, debuts at 9 p.m. ET. The scripted show, from first-time showrunner James LaRosa, centers on the Devil Girls, the dance squad for a fictional LA basketball team. There’s naive rookie Ahsha (Taylour Paige), whose mother (Kimberly Elise) was an original Devil Girl and doesn’t want her daughter to follow in her footsteps; Kyle, a gold-digging stripper (Katherine Bailess); and Raquel (Valerie Ortiz), the seemingly sweet single mom. But you know we’re all about Jelena (Logan Browning), the ruthless captain. Looking at the picture above, you can already pick her out (third from the left). Here, LaRosa breaks down the anatomy of a TV bitch.
By: James LaRosa
I love bad bitches, that’s my f*****’ problem.
My love affair started in the womb. From beyond the booming sound of my mother’s heartbeat, I could hear in the pale distance the echoes of women. Bloodthirsty women. Verbally lacerating women. While some mothers read flashcards to their engorged bellies, my mother was mainlining me with life lessons from her favorite soaps. Soaps where Bitches ruled the world. When I was born, I slapped the doctor and then took over his father’s company.
Like snowflakes or Quaids, no two Bitches are alike. However, every Bitch is made up of the same ingredients. Be careful mixing at home as contents can explode and ruin you:
15% Barbed tongue. Bitches know what to say. Always. Without fail. Sometimes it’s cutting. Sometimes the stab wounds are like tiny pin pricks that seem benign, but before you know it you’ve bled to death. Are Bitches evil to their dark roots, or just sawed-off shotguns of unexpressed pain? Who cares, just shut up and take it. See: Amanda Woodward, Melrose Place:
4% Body Armor. Conversely, when someone says something cutting to a Bitch, she doesn’t bleed. She has no blood. Like a true diva, she tops you with a higher note, mic drops and walks off, leaving you floundering in her wake like the cheap dog toy you are.
5% Corporation: Bitches don’t sell Avon door-to-door. They control oil prices in the Middle East. They’re the boss, and if you have anything to say about it you’re alllll fired. See: Alexis Colby, Dynasty:
**CAVEAT: Bitches who don’t own anything really just don’t own it yet. You’ve met a Bitch in training. Run.
14% Agenda. Bitches don’t come to a party. Bitches come to shut it DOWN. If a Bitch comes to your party, hide yo kids, hide yo wife. Bitches don’t strike up conversations for no reason. They don’t want to know how you are. They don’t care. They have something to say, and you will stand there and take it…if you know what’s good for you.
4% A Mean Backhand. Hauling off and slapping someone across the face? Cliché! A true Bitch serves it up from the back. The better to impale someone with her giant diamond ring! See: Erica Kane, All My Children:
16% Sick Clothes. Giant hats and sunglasses at funerals, micro mini business suits at work, the finest lingerie for spontaneous sexual encounters at both. A Bitch ain’t got time for Ross Dress For Less.
3% Punching Bag: Every Bitch has someone they hate more than life itself. She is usually the one everyone else loves because she’s more approachable, softer, what the world has deemed the more aspirational representation of womanhood. F*** her. See (again!): Amanda Woodward and Alison Parker, Melrose Place:
8% Spanish Fly. Bitches know how to throw down in the boardroom and the bedroom, and they have the hottest guys to help them do it. Sure, a Bitch eats their heads afterwards but it’s totally worth it cuz she totally put it on ya.
5% A Fireplace. A true Bitch always makes sure she’s got good lighting, and there’s no more beautifully lit place to do the nasty than next to a roaring fire (sable skin rug optional). But fireplaces serve many a function for a Bitch. It’s great for throwing wine glasses into in a haughty rage, one-of-a-kind documents proving paternity (or lack thereof), or anything else that may need a good charring. See: Angela Channing, Falcon Crest:
5% Immortality. You can’t keep a good bitch down. Alexis Colby was choked, pushed off a balcony, shot up at a wedding, and regularly crushed by 4,000 pounds of shoulder pads and still lived to tell the tale (and look FAAAABuLOOUS!). Sydney Andrews from Melrose Place was killed TWICE and you know she’s still out there somewhere, making a Jane voodoo doll.
2% Perspective. No matter how traumatic an occasion, a Bitch knows how to keep it airy. See: Julie Dante, Models Inc.:
19% Arched eyebrow. An arched eyebrow is everything. When a Bitch raises an eyebrow at you, it lets you see through the tears you’ve shed trying to pierce her heart with your emotional truth that you’re pathetic for even trying. Or just pathetic in general. And you are. Look at you, blubbering. Have something to say about it? Talk to the eyebrow. See: Jelena Howard, Hit The Floor: