Alright, Bachelor fans, I’m turning the camera on us, because it’s time we have a confessional of our own. Let’s be real. We haven’t tuned into this show for the past 25 seasons solely because we like to watch people fall in love, because nine times out of ten, that love doesn’t last longer than a few months (unless you’re a poet/firefighter/triathlete who finds your baby-talking perfect match). So why do we tune in? For those moments that make us embarrassed to be a member of the human race purely because we have to associate ourselves with some of the individuals on the show, that’s why.
From the contestants who can’t handle their champagne to the hometown dates that make horror movies look romantic, the moments we live for are those that make us cringe and hide our eyes, all while laughing hysterically. Luckily for you, The Bachelor gods (lead by noble white knight Chris Harrison) have rounded up those exact moments in what might be the greatest hour of television of all time. Calm down, The Wire fans. I said might.
Here’s the stuff I’m talking about: “People hate me because I’m beautiful.” “This is why I don’t love.” “I guess I shouldn’t have talked about reproducing.” Ah yes, the “unintentional comedy” that comes with finding love/temporary lust on The Bachelor. The limo arrivals! The booty dancing! That one girl with her 50 Shades of Grey tie! It’s just too good.
Chris Harrison kicked off The Bachelor’s Funniest Moments with a quick montage of some of our favorite limo arrivals, a surprising number of whom made it pretty far in the competition — think Lindsay’s wedding dress and Jef’s skateboard. From there, we jumped right into the good stuff: the drunks! The best moments, not surprisingly, came from the men of The Bachelorette, who used their down time to drink heavily, eat dog food(?), and in one instance, pee on their own bed. That’s what every girl dreams about in her prince, amirite?
Heavy booze intake aside, Chris also rounded up some of the best worst singing moments the show has ever seen — Brad Womack’s duet! — and every horrifically awkward, you-couldn’t-make-this-stuff-up moment that Kasey provided during Ali’s season. As he told Ali, “It’s just my heart. Jump in. Stay a while.” How she resisted him is something I will never know. And if that wasn’t embarrassing enough (which it really, really was), Chris showed us a few other cringe-worthy moments: Alex vomiting on his helicopter ride with Trista, everything that weird foot-fetish guy said to Jillian, dresses ripping, talk of eggs rotting, and so on.
From there, the show was all about dates gone wrong and those hometown moments that should be made into Lifetime movies — dead dove in a refrigerator, anyone? — before we got to the really good stuff. Cue the wind-blown blooper reel, complete with unpredictable animals, unpredictable insects, and even more unpredictable humans. Who knew there was so much streaking at The Bachelor house?!
And let’s not forget our favorite ugly criers, who have produced some priceless one-liners on their limo ride back to singledom: “I can’t believe he did this to me.” “This is why I don’t love!” “[referencing her cat] She’s the love of my life at the moment.” “I’m such a good catch.” “People are mean to me because the way I look.” “People hate me because I’m beautiful. That’s a real thing.” “It’s a curse to be pretty.” “Who do you think you are?! God?!”
I can’t tell you how happy these past 50 minutes have made me. And now, a sneak peek at more of the same from Desiree’s upcoming season … plus a fist fight or two. Here’s what you can expect: Boats, beaches, private concerts, helicopter rides, hot tubs, a few “I am the luckiest girl alive” moments, one game of dodgeball(?), a man with a — shocker! — girlfriend, a bad boy nobody likes, Desiree bent over crying, and those five words, “I’m in love with Des.” And if we’ve learned anything from the past hour, you can also expect heavy drinking, clumsiness, nudity, and a handful of regrettable limo entrances. My only question? When is Brad Womack coming back for a third season as The Bachelor?! That man produced some top-notch bloopers. You know who didn’t? Jake Pavelka. Talk about a shocker.
Regardless, let’s raise our champagne glasses to the first 25 seasons and (hopefully) the next 25. After all, who doesn’t want to spend the next 12.5 years hating themselves for religiously watching people just miss the mark of true love, only to end up with yet another Funniest Moments full of questionable morals, malfunctioning camera equipment, and Chris Harrison one-liners?
Step one: Watch Desiree Hartsock navigate season 26 when The Bachelorette premieres at 8 p.m. on May 27 on ABC.
Samantha on Twitter: @samhighfill