New York’s hottest club is: Push
This place has everything: Ghosts, banjos, Carl Paladino, a stuck-up kitten who won’t sign autographs, furkels.
Furkels? Fat Urkels. After you’ve been with one of those guys, you’ll ask yourself “Did I do thaaaat?’”
New York’s hottest club is: Ounce
Description: Located in the middle of the East River…
This place has everything: Cholos, cute people, a sheepdog that looks like Bruce Vilanch, an entire room of puppets doing karate.
Puppets doing karate? It’s that thing of when someone calls Miss Piggy “fat,” and she goes, “Hiiiii-ya!”
New York’s hottest club is: Oooooontz
Description: This lower lower East Side dump is the creation of club owner Tranderson Cooper. It finally answers the question, “Do I have to?”
This place has everything: Schitzos, kite enthusiasts — and that’s not all! Look who just came in — it’s Blingo!
Blingo? Black Ringo.
New York’s hottest club is: Blitzen
This place has everything: [to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas"] 12 jacked albinos, 11 Little Richards, 10 piercer babies, 9 Asian Balkis, 8 gay Aladdins, 7 psychos swearing, 6 PuertoScreechens (Puerto Rican Screeches), 5 homeless Elmos, 4 coked-up frogs, 3 French hens, Tay-lor Ne-gron, and a hu-man park-ing coooooone!
Human parking cone? It’s that thing of when two jacked midgets paint themselves orange, and you have to parallel park between them.
New York’s hottest club is: Booooooooof. (With nine Os.)
Description: Located at an abandoned orphanage on the Lower Lower East Side of Chelsea, this round-the-clock puke party is creation of narcoleptic club owner Snoozin’ Lucci.
This place has everything: Pugs, geezers, doo-wop groups, a wise old turtle that looks like Quincy Jones — and you’ll have your own When Harry Met Sally moment when you share a special kiss with Gizblow, the coked-up gremlin.
New York’s hottest club is: Hooyagoosyoughoooou!
Description: Built on a dare by 90-year-old club promoter Fuji Houser MD…
This place has everything: Stun guns, mole people, freezing cold air. And this Valentine’s Day, you can lose yourself on the dance floor surrounded by 12 dancing Jupids.
Jupids? Jewish Cupids. They just want you to meet someone nice and settle down.
New York’s hottest club is: Uhhhhh
Description: Located in the middle of the West Side Highway, this bi-curious beach party is the creation of Italian club owner Baloney Danza.
This place has everything: Split kicks, pachucos, pile after pile of expired lunchables, a Hawaiian cleaning lady who looks like Smokey Robinson
Look who just walked in — is that Natalie Portman? No, it’s an old Irish black man that we call Murphy Brown.
Bonus: If you come this Sunday, you’ll meet 2-year-old Ultimate Fighter Drooly-Lips Jackson. He’s got fists like little empanadas, and he’s my best friend.
New York’s hottest club is: SPICY
Description: Opened in 2017 on the Upper East Side of a dumpster, this 24-hour bitchfest is the creation of club owner/rabbi Jew Diamond Phillips.
This place has everything: Sand worms, geishas, rock-eaters, a seven level course in adult education. And if you want to relax, you can kick back in your very own subway sleeping bag.
Subway sleeping bag? It’s that thing of when you’re on the train, and you sit between two guys in FUBU jackets.
NEXT: “The creation of Hanukkah cartoon character Menorah the Explorer”