'New Girl' season finale: Always a Bridesmaid!

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Image Credit: Ray Mickshaw/Fox

It’s closing time, Newbies. Hard to believe 25 episodes have come and gone this quickly. But as a wise man once said, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” What that means for Jess, Nick, Schmidt, Winston, Cece, Schivrang, and… Taylor Swift? Well, you’ll just have to click through. Fair warning for everyone who hasn’t seen tonight’s episode: Stop now because there are SPOILERS AHEAD!

It was the day of Cece and Shivrang’s wedding. Maid of Honor Jess was in a gorgeous aqua and coral sari, Schmidt and Winston were looking predictably dapper as well, and Nick was channeling Miami Vice in a white T-shirt under a tan linen suit (the one he’d worn to his high school graduation). At least he thought he was channeling Crockett and Tubbs. When the roomies assembled for a picture, Jess’s dad Bob (Rob Reiner) made it clear he thought “Rick’s” style was more Chinatown dumpster than South Beach sleek. As he aimed the camera, Bob directed Nick — who’d been cuddling close to Jess — to take a step to the right, then another, then another until he was fully out of the picture. Taking Bob’s not-so-playful ribbing that he was an “unemployed alcoholic bummer” and “a child” to heart, Nick borrowed Schmidt’s “worst suit — he said if I could get it over my thighs he didn’t want it!” Big thighs or no, Nick looked all kinds of handsome — even when he started carrying Jess’s pink purse for her.

Schmidt compounded Nick’s stress when he told Nick this attempt to clean up (deodorant — under both arms!), to become responsible and romantic for Jess, was a sham. He said if Jess didn’t want the “real Nick” (a.k.a. the schlubby, surly, drunken manchild we’ve come to know and love), she probably didn’t want Nick at all. Though it was a worthwhile consideration, Schmidt undercut himself — in truth, he only said that out of pure selfishness because Nick wasn’t helping Schmidt achieve his agenda. Backing up, Schmidt had accidentally stumbled into Cece’s dressing suite on his way to the bathroom (he has a weak bladder, we learned). Convinced that Cece had begged him with her eyes to “sabo” (i.e. sabotage) the wedding, he set about doing everything he could to thwart the nuptials. He claimed he was doing it “as a friend, nothing more” — a notion only slightly more deluded than Nick thinking his cheap linen suit looked like Miami Vice.

Anyhow, about the time Schmidt was taking Nick down a peg, he was also instructing Winston to kickstart Operation: Cece Sabo. Yes, like the bank robber who knows he’s getting too old for this shiz, Winston had been roped into “one last prank” for his pal. He admitted he was no good at pranks, always got over his head, and was supposed to “cut the nonsense” now that he’d turned 31, but Schmidt lured him with the chance to “give [them] full-on crazy,” and Winston’s eyes went bigger than a galago’s. And so they began with phase 1: Setting off an air horn to spook the white horse tasked with carrying Shivrang to the venue. Though the horse didn’t go so far as to run onto the highway, his bucking definitely did some damage to Shiv’s testes. Not a good omen for the wedding night of two newlyweds who’ve never had sex.

NEXT: Phase 2…

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