Schmidt: Well… are the reviews in?
Elizabeth: The reviews for what?
Schmidt: My new body — its pitch, its yaw, my new perfectly sculpted pubic topiary.
Schmidt: You never cared what people thought — even last night with the window open and the wolf howls.
Neighbor through the wall: It was very uncomfortable!
Elizabeth [pounds on the wall]: Stop threatening to move, Bernie, and just move!
Elizabeth: It’s still impressive. But did you lose weight down…
Schmidt: It’s slightly smaller. Doctors? No explanation.
Bernie: That’s not normal!
Jess: I have the chance to teach kids again!
Bob: You gotta go!
Jess: Dad, you should come with me.
Nick: Yeah, you should go with your daughter.
Bob: What am I gonna do? Sit in your car and get mugged? I didn’t gay my way out of Vietnam just to be killed by some punk. No, no. I’ll stay with him.
Nick: Oh no, that’s a bad idea. That doesn’t work for me. I’ve got stuff I’ve gotta do.
Bob: Stuff? You don’t have any stuff. Name one stuff.
Schmidt’s Coworker: Schmidt, you have moment?
Schmidt: I have unlimited moments.
Coworker [stage-whispering about Elizabeth]: Custodial keeps sending us these spooky Eastern European girls.
Elizabeth: You want to see spooky? Call me “spooky” again. I’ll spook the ass fat right out of your lips.
Schmidt [to Nick and Jess]: Ohhhh, look who took the romance spot. We were just going to match up constellations with the mole patterns on my back.
Elizabeth: Then we’re gonna get drunk and try to find people doin’ it.
Jess: First come, first served. Scram!
Schmidt: Oh, is that how it is now? You just own the roof [pronounced "ruff"]?
Winston: What’s everybody doin– You guys remembered? This whole time I thought everybody just forgot [my birthday]! [To Schmidt] Is that a golden telescope? You know how much I love to explore space and time, man!
Everybody: Happy birthday!