Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to celebrate the recommitment of Mike “Sugar Bear” Thompson to June “Mama” Shannon, his shack ‘em up mate of almost nine years. This is — probably — not a wedding. This is a ceremony to celebrate the beauty of love, the brightness of orange, and the sanctity of camo.
The “groom” will now read his vows*, followed by the “bride.”
*vows are equal parts quotation and wishful thinking
I, Sugar Bear, take you, Mama. It was love at first sight. We been happy ever since. You do a lot fo’ me. We’ve had our good times and we’ve had our smexy times. Lovin’ you taught me to love dressin’ up. No, I don’t have no dip on my mouth. Yes, I still wanna get your biscuit and syrup. I don’t care if it’s burnt black! Just scrape the crust off — it’s extra crispy. Chow down! That’s a metaphor, right? I do so know where babies come from. I promise to love you and your daughters forever. I promise not to clip my toenails in the bed. Like Alana always say, I’m cuddly like a bear, and you are my honey.
I, Mama, take you, Sugar. What first attracted me to you is your connection with my daughter Pumpkin. You better always wear that Santa suit in bed and I will promise to always wear my Marilyn Monroe wig. (I know you know I know you like it.) I remember when we first met online: It was supposed to be a random hook-up…and here we are, nine years later, with a kid. Was it love at first sight? No. Was it bed at first sight? Maybe. You got to try the milk out ‘fore you buy the cow. Hush, Pumpkin! Mama is talkin’. I always say, “Never settle for a man who doesn’t treat you right. If a guy doesn’t love everything about you, move on! There are plenty of other fish in the sea.” Sugie, you are my fish.
No y’all don’t go leavin’. We got a party goin’ on after, with food and music. It’s themed! The theme is barbecue.