Schmidt: I’m going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven’t had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting a remote control out of the couch. Now I know things, and I own things. Like this [holds up a box that reads “THE ARCHDUKE”]
Jess: What is that?
Cece: Oh my god, that poor girl.
Schmidt: This is The Archduke, the crowning achievement of the German Institute of Female Pleasure.
Winston: Dude, this thing takes 16 single-A batteries?
Cece: I thought I threw that thing out the window.
Schmidt: That only made it stronger.
Jess [hands covered in shaving cream]: Schmidt, will you help me with my phone?
Schmidt: Oh, you need help? Where’s your Women’s Lib now?
Nick: Am I the only one dying to know who this Teddy character is? I think I speak for all of us–
Schmidt: Nick, you and Jess didn’t work out. W-W-W-dot-move-on-dot-org!
Cece: You guys do have hear this story, though, because it’s the worst.
Schmidt: I guarantee you it’s not any worse than the story of me losing my virginity.
Jess: I promise you, mine’s worse than all of yours. [Begins] Prom night, 2000–
Schmidt: What was the theme?
Nick: Who cares about the theme? [To Jess] What were you wearing?
Schmidt: I want to know the theme.
Jess: My date and I were the founding members — and only members — of my high school’s Gender Equality Society. We both asked each other to prom in the spirit of equality, and we both said yes.
Nick: Okay, get to it.
Winston: Oregon sucks!
Jess: Man, he wore the hell out of those tuxedo pants!
Nick: People have told me I look really good in a tuxedo, so…
Schmidt: I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a tuxedo.
Nick: I’ve worn a tuxedo. Everybody has a tuxedo.
Schmidt: A tuxedo is different than a suit.
Nick: It is?
Nick: Is this the first time you’ll be making full love?
Schmidt: No way, Jose! Nick, back in high school they used to call me… The Sex-Haver.
Nick: That’s a great nickname.
Schmidt: But, you know, now that we’re sitting here talking… would you mind having a discussion openly about the subject of intercourse?
Nick [mushroom-wasted]: Shoot.
Schmidt: Does it hurt for guys?
Nick: Not one bit.
Schmidt: If I pee while it’s happening, will she die? [Nick just nods.] How many minutes before sex is it okay to eat?
Nick: I don’t think it’s an exact science. I think it depends on your frame.
Schmidt: So I should eat right before? [Nick nods blankly some more.] In terms of lubricant, do I put a small everywhere, or do I put a large amount in a smaller area?
Nick [grimacing while making wacky hand gestures]: You’re harshin’ my vibe, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Look, when [Elizabeth and I] were dating, I was very limited as to what we could do sexually. It wasn’t until the Iraqi war that I realized a guy could even be on top. But that’s all different now. Now, I have The Archduke.
Jess: Schmidt, have you ever considered not using lube and some giant sex toy and just being with her?
Schmidt: Plain Jane-ing it? Yeah, okay!
Jess: Wait, you lost virginity to prostitutes?
Winston: No, they were business women… who could dance sexy.
Mysteria: What’s wrong with your friend?
Winston: He’s a virgin.
Mysteria: Aren’t you a virgin, too?
Winston [licking his lips]: Just my penis, baby. Just my penis.
Strummer: I’m kind of on a lot of antidepressants right now, so this might take a while.
Jess: The only antidepressants you need are in my pants!
Strummer: Actually, it’s really a medical issue.
Jess: I’m so sorry, that was really uncool, and take as much time as you need. [Flash to the present…] So two hours later, still nothing. It was like a windsock on a windless day. [Flash back to 2004…] So give me an update, brother. How’s your wang?
Elizabeth: What’s that?
Schmidt: It’s a super-intense German personal power massager. I don’t think we need it.
Elizabeth: Hey… you know, since you came all this way with that box…
Schmidt: We’ll have to take the batteries out of the smoke detector.
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