So it was Schmidt’s turn to prove he had the most humiliating story. The set-up: Junior year of college, when Schmidt was much heavier after gaining “the freshman 50 and then the sophomore 50 and then of course the junior 100.” Still, he was in a relationship with Elizabeth, they had chosen that night to “merge,” and he had bought the world’s biggest jar of “lubricant — to use on a woman… to increase her pleasure.” Though Schmidt claimed his high school nickname was “The Sex-Haver,” he still had plenty of questions for Nick. And they would have been fairly well answered if Nick hadn’t taken shrooms in preparation for a Dave Matthews Band concert that night (Winston VO response: “White people…”).
A few hours later, Nick got to witness first-hand the consequences of his truly terrible advice (see: Dotables). You see, he couldn’t leave the room because the “troll” on his bed had gotten agitated, and his magnetic arm was stuck to the wall. (Yep, shrooms talkin’.) So, as the more-to-love lovers arrived, Nick had a front-row seat. Sometime between when Schmidt blinded Elizabeth and when he fell off the top bunk — he had used that much lube — Nick managed to extricate himself from the bed. He even kept miraculously silent. But it only served to get him into, basically, a petroleum jelly wrestling match with Schmidt, who was too slippery to climb the ladder back to the bed. All of this played out over Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You,” natch. All that said, Schmidt did manage to have sex. Score one for the big boys and girls!
Some years before that, Nick had also been privy to Winston losin’ it, too. They had accompanied Nick’s dad Walt to New York for a “business trip.” Of course Walt had other plans than to let the boys watch Titanic all night, so he brought back a couple of prostitutes named Mysteria and Octopussy. Winston took the lead, telling the ladies he and Nick were powerful businessmen — made all the more convincing thanks to Winston’s unbroken voice and Nick’s stringy teenage-boy hair and mouth full of metal. For his part, Nick was incredibly nervous from the get-go; even the aphrodisiac rhymes of Sublime’s “Caress Me Down” couldn’t abate his anxiety. What could? Several slugs of the cheap liquor Walt had supplied for the party — now that was the beginning of a beautiful romance! After Nick’s first time (drinking), he cried and told Octopussy, “Please excuse me, but I had to lay off a lot of really good men today at work.” Needless to say, only Winston enjoyed “10 beautiful seconds” of lovemaking that night. In fact, he hadn’t realized until he was telling this story just now that his lady that night was, in fact, a lady of the night — and not just a “business [woman]… who could dance sexy.”
When Walt returned, Nick was soused on bottom-shelf booze and still a virgin. Walt proved surprisingly paternal, saying he wasn’t upset that his son hadn’t gone through with it. He did warn Nick, “You think too much, you think too much about everything. … I just want to make sure you that don’t miss out on the things in life that are happening while you’re not thinking. Because, believe me, those are the best things in life.”
NEXT: Nick stops thinking