Jess: Oh my God, what is that [bright yellow tracksuit]?
Nick: I don’t want to hear it, okay? My mother sent it to me. It belonged to my father. We have the same exact butt.
Schmidt [walking in, to Nick]: What are you wearing?
Nick: What are you wearing?
Schmidt: I’m dressed for my booty burn boot camp class. And I know what you’re thinking — it’s not because I need it. I go to inspire the others. [To Nick] Please take that thing off. You look like a homeless pencil.
Cece: I haven’t seen Shivrang’s penis.
Model #2: Is it that small?
Sadie: But you still know where to put it?
Schmidt: Well, spoiler alert! Women are liars. They’re supposed to want commitment, right? But then I offer it to them on a silver platter, and they throw it back in my face like a comedy pie.
Flash back to that afternoon, Schmidt has met a woman in the park…
Schmidt: I know this is awkward because we slept together and I never returned any of your phone calls. So this might come as a shock to you, but… will you be my girlfriend?
Girl #1 [relieved laughter]: Oh God. I thought you had herpes! But no to the girlfriend, you d—.
Later, at Schmidt’s office…
Schmidt: Do you remember two years ago when we were watching coverage of the BP oil spill and doin’ it during the commercials? And then you asked me if I wanted a serious relationship, and I laughed in your face? [Grows serious.] Well my new answer is yes.
Girl #2: [Glares silently]
Even later, Schmidt jumps out at a woman in a grocery store parking lot…
Schmidt [thrusting a single red rose at her]: Be my girlfriend!
Girl #3: [Screams, drops groceries, flees]
Schmidt: What’s that all about? [Looks down at her groceries, a disgusted look crosses his face.] Cream cheese in bulk?!
Schmidt: Look, Cece, if I was ever selfish in our relationship–
Cece: What do you mean “if”? And what do you mean “relationship”?
Schmidt: That’s fair.