'New Girl': Two Shivrangs Don't Make a Right

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Amidst all this, Schmidt was on the hunt for his plus-one. After scaring a number of girls in various locales around town (see Dotables), he found the guys at the bar to seek their advice. He worried Cece was right that he wasn’t the relationship type. Winston reminded him about Elizabeth, the girl he dated during his “Big Guy phase.” Schmidt said she didn’t count, but flashbacks of Nick watching Schmidt give Elizabeth sexy foot massages begged to differ.

So Schmidt headed to Elizabeth’s house. Just in case he didn’t remember her from their four-year relationship, he reminded her, “You knew when action sandals were my necessary footwear.” He asked her to the wedding, but she demurred, “No, I can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing such tight pants.” He told her the stakes (“My model ex-girlfriend is getting married to a little Indian man who I just don’t understand”) and admitted he only wanted her to pretend to be his girlfriend, but it didn’t change her mind. Elizabeth still had hard feelings about how Schmidt’s personality changed once he lost weight. He’d gone from a sweet, big-boned and big-hearted guy to one who was “sitting there, eating one basil leaf, looking like an idiot panda bear.” He treated her cruelly¬†and refused to pay for meals. She loved “Big Guy,” but she refused to help Slim Schmidt. As she closed the door on him, she added, “I hate your hair.”

Hours later, after seeing the sacrifices Shiv and Cece were willing to make for one another, Schmidt apologized for his past behavior and told Cece he no longer needed a plus-one for the wedding. He returned to Elizabeth’s house with three pizzas (“all yours, no judgments”). To fully prove that Big Guy was still in his heart (and underneath his rippling body), he promised to do anything she wanted. Her one wish? For Schmidt to eat all the pizzas while she watched. Schmidt may be at booty burn boot camp for weeks, but he was doing his Fat Schmidt happy dance as he gleefully nibbled and giggled, “So greasy! So many carbs! Welcome home, melted cheese! I don’t even know what pepperoni’s made of, it’s so good. It’s like waking up from a bad salad dream. Big Guy in the house!”

NEXT: “A homeless pencil”

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