That night, Jess welcomed a ragtag bunch of revelers into the loft, among them several models including penis-breaker Nadia(!), one random lawyer, and a teetotaling, massively horny Sadie (whom Jess nearly kicked out when she started offering the ladies pro bono gynecological exams). Men’s genitals — specifically Shivrang’s — took center stage when Cece arrived. Jess carted out a cutout of a hardbodied man with an oversized Shivrang head and a bullseye on his genitals. Close behind Cece, Shivrang’s aunt entered; suffice it to say, her grim expression did not improve. She excused herself to wash her hands as Jess warned, “There’s a very sexually aggressive message on the [bathroom] mirror, and I apologize for that.”
The game of “Pin the Dong on Shivrang” only served to exacerbate Cece’s insecurity that she’d never seen Little Shiv and, by extension, she was marrying a man she knew almost nothing about (biblically or otherwise). Jess tried to console her with such statements as “Isn’t it all about the gonads?” (cue the female chorus of “No!”) and “If he’s using it right, no one’s seeing his penis!” For every step she took forward, Sadie took at least two back, suggesting nightmare scenarios like “What if it looks like an old carrot? What if it’s curly?”
As luck would have it, we were about to find out! Operation: Abduct Shivrang was success, and Shivrang was actually pretty amped about his “surprise bachelor party” — though Winston’s threat “You shut that pretty mouth of yours, Romeo, before I fill it with fire!” gave him pause. Nick received a call from Jess, who in her attempt to save Cece’s night/marriage/life had decided the only solution would be for Nick to text over a pic of Shivrang’s junk. She added, “And I need it to scale, so please put, like, a nickel or a big toe or a golf pencil in there for reference.” Nick hoped the dead dad card would get him out of this unpleasant (maybe illegal?) task, but Jess told him “One picture, and you can come home.” (And, despite her semi-sultry timbre, I don’t think she meant it as an enticement.) Nick: “Give me 20 minutes.” That‘s how bad this night was turning out.
So Nick switched tacks and played along with Shivrang’s bachelor party idea. Just as with the kidnapping scheme, Winston took it too far and began to give Shiv a strawberry on his belly. Once Nick pried Winston off, he tried to convince Shiv that taking phallic pics was a classic American bachelor party rite of passage, but all he managed to do was capture a shot of his own twig and berries before Shivrang escaped by hyper-Britishly offering the guys a round of shandies. After Shiv made for the loo, Nick took it up a notch and ran in yelling, “Fire!” while Winston threw matches into the trash can. Even the accidental mini-blaze didn’t faze the groom-to-be’s ability to cover up his bits. When Shiv asked what was going on, Nick tried one last-ditch tactic and turned on the waterworks, claiming the only way to cure his recent depression over being “half-orphaned” was for Shivrang to take a d— pic. Clearly that approach would fail, so Nick spilled the (franks and) beans about Cece’s anxiety. Shiv abruptly departed to talk to her. Winston took matters into his own hands and sent the shot of Li’l Nick to Jess. Enjoy your preview of coming attractions, Ms. Day! *wolf whistle*
NEXT: “What happens in Orlando stays in Orlando…”