On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a fervent Song of Ice and Fire fan who yearns to fulfill an elaborate sexual fantasy based around your Iron Throne replica. Well, at least until you post a public Craigslist ad saying as much.
The Seven Kingdoms were abuzz yesterday when a sexually-charged, Game of Thrones-referencing personal ad began circulating around the Internet. The listing, originally posted on New Orleans’s Casual Encounters Craigslist board, was supposedly written by a 25-year-old woman who’s looking for a “Stark in the streets but a wildling in the sheets” to get bizzay in costume with her. It’s such a poetic masterpiece that you might as well just read the entire thing:
I am an avid fan of George R. R. Martin’s series Game of Thrones (both the books and the show). I have recently purchased a replica of the Iron Throne as seen in the television show, and need a partner to play out an elaborate fanatsy [sic].
In my fantasy, I am Daenerys Stormborn Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, and Rightful Heir to the Iron Throne and the Seven Kingdoms. After crossing the Narrow Sea and defeating the forces of Westeros, it is within my power and right to slay all of those who betrayed my family and denied me my rightful place for so many years. The most vile enemies of house Targaryen, House Stark and House Baratheon must pay the highest price. All of those who fought against the Mother of Dragons are slain — all except one. When I come to Robb Stark, out [sic] eyes lock and something moves inside of me. I realize I need to have him, want him, and I can tell he is thinking the same. I order my guards to throw him in the dungeon and later that night, I have him brought to me, in the throne room. There, on the Iron Throne I’ve so recently won, I make wild and passionate love with him, repeatedly.
Please only respond to this post if you look like Robb Stark! I would appreciate pictures, but please, no names. In order to stay as true to the fantasy as possible, I ONLY want you to refer to yourself as Robb Stark. You will need to provide your own clothing. Please keep in mind that you will have recently participated in a battle and been thrown in a dungeon, so you will not be wearing your nicest furs.
I’m looking for a Stark in the streets but a wildling in the sheets.
Upon reading this, our first reaction wasn’t shock or awe — it was curiosity about the poster’s Iron Throne replica. Could she possibly have purchased the $30,000, 350-lb model available via HBO’s website — the one that went on sale last year and has inspired hilarious customer reviews from the likes of “Aerys Targaryen” (“The traitors want my city … but I’ll give them naught but ashes. Let Robert be king over charred bones and cooked meat”) and “Hodor” (“Hodor… HODOR!”)?
Well… no. “The life-size Iron Throne replica was offered as a fun option for high-end collectors,” a representative from HBO Corporate Affairs told EW today. “We’ve had multiple inquiries about purchasing one but haven’t sold any yet.”
So fear not, potential Daenerys sex partners: You won’t be defiling a piece of furniture worth as much as a 2013 Chevy Malibu. This does, however, prompt the question of which Iron Throne replica the Craigslist poster has procured. She couldn’t mean this 7-inch-high model, right? …Right?