Schmidt: Throw me another cocktail there, Johnny.
Nick: Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor. It’s 4 proof! That is safe to drink while you’re pregnant.
Schmidt: Melon balls!
Winston: Schmidt, no matter how much you drink, Cece’s still going to be engaged. We know you’re down about it.
Schmidt: I’m not down about it. There are plenty of things to be down about — the air pollution in China, the deficit… The Hobbit wasn’t very good — if I wanted to see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would have gone to Koreatown. Booyah! Ball me.
Jess: Ball you?
Schmidt: Ball me! [Grabs a bottle of Midori.] How do you get these toppy things off, Nick? [Turns the bottle upside down and chugs.]
Jess: You look like a lab rat.
Jess: I think Nick being ambitious about the bar is making me want him more. Is that, like, a thing?
Cece [deadpan]: No. No one’s ever been attracted to power and success.
Jess: Why do you smell so good?
Nick: It’s because I did laundry. I smell like a baby in a damn meadow.
On Schmidt’s impulse purchase…
Nick: I don’t trust fish. They breathe water, that’s crazy.
Jess: An aquarium? When did you become a Bond villain that couldn’t afford not to live with roommates?
Schmidt: A rare beauty, the result of generations of interracial fish breeding. Look at it undulating in the water with that wry smile, perfect round fish breasts. They say it’ll be impossible for me to get it, but I’ll get it. She will be mine, and we will create a life together.
Nick: We’re not talking about fish here, are we?
Nick [at the hardware store, after pulling chain from a shelf]: I feel like Russell Crowe in every movie he’s ever done.
Jess: All right, Nick, we have to go.
Nick: We just got here. We have tons of stuff we need to get.
Jess: Fine, let me see what we have left… [reads shopping list] long-shafted driver drill? [Grows reluctant.] New nut wrench?
Nick [sultry]: Our old nut wrench is bad.
Jess [uncomfortable]: Quick-hardening caulk?
Nick [even sultrier]: You don’t want to wait forever to that caulk to harden…
Jess: Lube for drill shaft?
Nick: Can we also get a box of gummy sharks?
Winston: I don’t know why you want that damn fish so bad. But what I do know is that it’s going to make you happy, and that’s all I care about. Remember, I’m the one who shaved your shoulders after you got that scoopneck sweater.
Schmidt: And I appreciated it. I’d do the same to you. If you want to lose that last 55 pounds to be happy, I’ll help you do that.
Winston: I don’t have 50 pounds to lose!
Schmidt: In very evident in this [wetsuit].