Nick was, as ever, mostly oblivious to Jess’s jittery discomfort. He knew she was acting weird, but couldn’t suss out why. Mind you, he also didn’t feel it was inappropriate to put his hands all over her face to remove an eyelash, nor to unbuckle his pants and show her the underwear he’d turned blue in the wash. The fact that Jess was also hot and bothered by his sudden inkling for salads and vitamins? That’s on her.
As it happened, Nick was in one of his hobo handyman phases, so he asked Jess to drive him to the hardware store. Stressed about the sexual tension, she hemmed and hawed, but Nick wore her down. Cue Nick reading an absurdly innuendo-laden list of supplies (see Dotables). She stepped away, in front of a line of air conditioner units and reminded herself, “Just remember, you caught him pleasuring himself to a mail-order steak catalog.” But, like any manchild with an appreciation for a sight gag, Nick called Jess to another aisle so she could admire his “big ol’ pipe” — that is, he’d climbed a ladder and placed a huge metal cylinder in front of his crotch. Flustered, Jess launched into a run that knocked a cart into Nick’s ladder and caused him to drop the pipe, which fell onto a board that seesawed up and clocked Jess in the chin. Literal slapstick, you guys.
Because this is a comedy, Jess wasn’t paralyzed — just badly bruised and completely free of inhibitions thanks to pain meds. When Nick brought her some soup, Jess morphed into David After Dentist, slurring, “I liiiike you! And I like your little bubble belly. It blows up like a bubble…. You are a beautiful white man, Nick Miller!” It was all fun and games until things took a turn toward late-life Judy Garland. Jess threw out her jazz hands and declared, “I wanna have sex with youuuuuu!” Then she basically assaulted Nick while purring about his “little piggy” (don’t ask). Instead of debating the merits and validity of rape humor, I’ll skip to the part where Nick slammed his face into her headboard and scalded his hand in hot soup. I think we can all agree Jess and Nick’s first experience of foreplay was not how we imagined it.
The next morning, Nick took his new shiner into the living room to ask the guys what he should do if a girl on pain pills tried to seduce him. Winston’s response was the best: “Please tell me we’re not talking about Jess.” But of course they were. Nick began a clumsy extended metaphor about walking through closed doors, and Schmidt hilariously insisted it would be more accurate if Nick described the scenario as “sliding past a drape.” More importantly, though, Nick admitted he shared Jess’s feelings and wouldn’t have started anything with Shane if he’d known them. Soon thereafter, Nick was no closer to an answer, and the world’s most adorkable would-be rapist had emerged from her bedroom. Needless to say, Jess didn’t remember a thing.
NEXT: Things get wet and wild (not necessarily in that order)