Schmidt: I’ve lived in this apartment as long as, if not longer than, anybody else. I have the crummiest room. I’m on 24-hour grout watch. I pay the lion’s share of the utilities — do I not?
Nick: I refuse to pay for the wiffy!
Jess: It’s WiFi.
Schmidt: I didn’t even have to tell you guys about the spot. [to himself] Why did I tell you guys about the spot? Ah, damn it! I’m the dumbest boy in school!
Jess: You can’t escape destiny. She comes for us all, that relentless bitch. [To Schmidt] That’s right, destiny’s a lady.
Schmidt: Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis — direct quote, Scott Caan.
Daisy: Put on a condom. [Winston looks aggrieved] You forgot a condom?
Winston: You got a grocery bag? Tin foil? Hand sanitizer? You got a shower cap and a twist tie?
Daisy: You forgot the one thing we need to have sex?
Winston: What about a baseball cap that’s really small?
Daisy: Are you serious?
Winston: Ummmm… I have quick reflexes! [Daisy isn’t having it] I’ll take care of this.
Daisy: Don’t waste my time.
Winston: I’ll be back quicker than you can say, “Damn, Winston, I took care of myself already.” Don’t say that, though. Wait for me!
Schmidt: This is your fault, Nick. You compromised the whole loft. We had an agreement. When Jessica Day signed that lease, you, me, and Coach all took a No-Nail Oath.
Jess: No-Nail Oath?
Nick: I didn’t break the No-Nail Oath.
Schmidt: Your nailed her mouth.
Jess: For the record, no one nailed my mouth. That’s important to me. Also? We didn’t do anything wrong.
Schmidt: Do you know nothing about men?
Jess: Yeah, I know nothing about men. That’s why I’m wearing a short skirt and wool tights.
Nick: Why are you holding a box of fish sticks?
Jess: Because I’m going to go scare the feral cats away that live in my parking space, Nick. I’m going to throw fish sticks them while singing “Memory,” and don’t you dare criticize me!