'New Girl': Spot Check

(Page 4 of 5)

Winston was the only one who hadn’t really given his all to the parking war. He was still hooking up with Daisy — or at least trying to. Because of their complicated schedules, they had a very small “sex window,” and today was it. While Nick, Schmidt, and Jess squabbled at the loft, Winston headed over to Daisy’s to get lucky. Only luck was not on his side this day. He’d forgotten the condom. He rushed to the pharmacy and cut past about eight people. When he reached into his pants, he realized he’d put on Daisy’s sweatpants with the word “YUM!” written across the tush. He had no money. Suffice it to say, the pharmacist didn’t appreciate Winston’s pleas to patrons, including children, for condom cash. Nor did he accept Winston’s suggestion to go into a box of condoms that was “practically open” and “throw a brother a loosie.”

For no reason other than a comedic use of the word “rhubarb,” Winston then visited Cece’s place. She was trying to patch things up with Shrivang (Satya Bhabha), her Indian movie date who thought she was bailing on him to go play True American a few weeks back. She had just claimed her friends were really normal and “down-to-earth” when Winston pounded on the door screaming for “A condom! For my penis!” She reluctantly let Winston in, and he began to peer pressure Shrivang into admitting he was carrying. Winston left without a prophylactic, and Shrivang deemed this meet-up with Cece worse than the last. Winny returned to the loft to rifle through his roommates’ things, where he finally found a single condom. It was the last one from Jess’s massive supply of Tuffskinz, and Winston marveled, “She’s either having crazy amounts of sex, or she does not know how to use these things.”

Winston returned to Daisy’s, but oh the bitter irony! He couldn’t distinguish her building from the others in her cookie-cutter complex. Worse? He’d also left his phone, wallet, keys, and dignity at her place. He crumbled to his knees and shouted out a Stanley Kowalski-style primal scream (“DAISYYYYYYY!”) as the camera swirled around him.

Cut back to Winston’s ill-timed return to the loft, where he found Schmidt and Jess in mid-embrace. He shouted, “Is everyone having sex but me? Old people, foreigners, nerds… everyone’s bangin’! Schmidt and Jess?!” The roommates saw what a sadsack Winston had become and couldn’t let their petty dramas or cheap victories trump his losses (though they did have a good laugh at the “YUM!” pants). Winston declared, “I need a win, damn it. I need a win!” So they gave him the one victory they had to offer. Moments later, he victoriously steered his car into 4D’s parking spot. Only, now that there were cars on either side, it was apparent this spot would barely fit a Smart Car. Set off the adjacent car alarms as he tried to escape, Winston launched into a panic only to be abandoned by the roomies. Wah waaaaaaahhhhh.

NEXT: The ever-quotable Scott Caan

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