Nick ran upstairs and found Jess carrying a box of fish sticks to throw at the cats in her parking spot. He explained himself: He didn’t regret the kiss itself, just the weirdness it had created in their relationship. She was still insulted by the No-Nail Oath, saying it implied she couldn’t help herself from sleeping with one of the guys. “It was me,” Nick admitted. “I couldn’t help it.” Jess dropped the fish sticks. Nick looked down, then up into her wide eyes. He leaned in… and there was Schmidt. He rolled his eyes and walked his pee-pants-clad self through them saying, “Blah blah blah” to their obvious desire.
They insisted nothing was going on, but Schmidt saw through them. He pulled up the No-Nail Oath: “We, the undersigned, promise never to nail our roommate, Jessica Day, unless the sex can be parlayed into a business that provides for all parties involved. If one of the undersigned nails said female, then all must nail her.” Sounds like water-tight logic to me! But Jess let out an unholy howl and stated for the record that there would be “no nails or screws or hammers.” Ever. For anyone.
But that wasn’t enough for Schmidt. The only solution, as he saw it, was for Jess to kiss him. Okay, Newbies, let’s just ignore the wholly inappropriate women-as-transferable-goods subtext here. That is a can of worms I do not want to open. Plus, it clearly didn’t occur to self-proclaimed “strong, independent, self-sufficient” woman Jess. She balked a little at Schmidt’s challenge but then went along with it when Nick okayed it in resignation. (What her deference to Nick means… I’ll let you discuss in the comments.) Jess and Schmidt psyched themselves up to nail each other’s mouths. Of course it was horrible. They recoiled like they’d both just tasted rancid milk (or garage-floor sour balls, as it were) and admitted they’d only made things weirder. What could possibly making things even weirder? Winston’s arrival! Let’s flash back on his day, shall we?
NEXT: Winny drooper