Jess followed Nick to the hall, where he was jabbing a finger on the elevator call button frantically. She insisted he was the one making things weird. Instead of response like an adult, he starting shimmying, convulsing, and making weird facial expressions while chanting, “Weird! Weird! Weird!” Jess responded with her own bizarro movements and chants of “Weirder! Weirder! Weirder!” Their weird-off went on for no less than a full minute of owl eyes, turtle faces, and Arrested Development-style chicken dances. Nick and Jess, ladies and gentlemen! This is why they are perfect for each other and exactly why they should never be a real thing. Jess wondered, “Is this how things are going to be?” They would need a long-term solution, she suggested. “I’ll give you a long-term solution,” he said huskily and stepped toward her with the same manliness we saw that night. Only his next words were, “I’M TAKIN’ THE SPOT!”
Cut to the roomies in a Keystone Kops-style race to their cars. Schmidt knocked over a trash can; Nick leapt over it while Jess stood there torn between desire and duty. While she cleaned up the rubbish, Schmidt ran to his parking lot to discover his car was surrounded by others (“Agh, damn it! You middled me again? I’m not to be middled — it’s in my contract! Shoot!”). Back to Jess, who got trapped in a back-and-forth crosswalk negotiation with a driver who finally yelled, “Move it, you wacky bitch!” But, when she got to her car, she found a colony of feral cats had taken residence on her hood. Nick’s lemon was just as he’d left it — safe and sound, concealed by cardboard and kept vigil by homeless folk underneath the nearest overpass — only it wouldn’t start.
Schmidt pulled into the garage just in time to see Nick scamper into the spot with his “vehicle,” a crappy lawn chair. With a steely look on his face, Schmidt nudged Nick with his SUV. Once Jess drove in, it was full-on real-life bumper cars. She pushed Schmidt’s car with her own until no one was in the parking spot. They all ran in on foot as she threatened, “I got a purse full of hard candy and an empty bladder — I’m here all night, folks!” It was on.
Soon enough, Nick became hungry, and Schmidt needed to use the facilities. While Schmidt mastered the art of peeing inside himself, Jess tried to disqualify Nick by throwing a sour ball farther than arm’s reach outside the spot. He wriggled on the floor, one foot still inside the lines, trying desperately to reach the dirty, garage floor-flavored candy. That’s what you call rock bottom, kids.
Oh, but they were about to go lower. After peeing inward, Schmidt was feeling feisty. He revealed that the guys — including Coach, never forget! — had signed a “No-Nail Oath” when Jess moved in. Jess was offended for a number of reasons as Schmidt explained contemptuously, “A woman can’t be in close quarters with three men and kiss one of them. What fuels men? Competition and sex. That’s why the United Nations was formed. That’s why women aren’t allowed on pirate ships, and that is why there’s a No-Nail Oath in apartment 4D.” He insisted Nick should back him up, but Jess though Nick should be on her side. Schmidt took issue, insisting their kiss didn’t entitle her to Nick’s emotional support. Or, as he put it, “Reason number two for the No-Nail Oath: Bitches be crazy.” Then he laughed like a toadie from an ’80s high school movie. Ohhhhh, Schmidt.
Remember what I said about rock bottom earlier? I was wrong. Because this was the moment when Nick started licking chocolate off a wrapper he found on the ground. It brought up his blood sugar enough to have a real talk with Jess. She admitted they wouldn’t be able to go back to the way things were now that he had “nailed [her] mouth… good and hard and strong.” Frustrated (sexually, perhaps?), Nick said the kiss was the dumbest thing he’d ever done — including thinking the current President’s name was pronounced “Brock Uh-brama.” If he could take it back, he would. Then he dealt the death blow, saying forcefully, bitterly, that he regretted the kiss. Jess walked away hurt. Schmidt: ”You realize every second that you don’t run after her, you become more and more of a buttwad, don’t you?” And so Nick left, and Schmidt won. But it was a dirty victory. Literally — Schmidt had peed his pants.
NEXT: Just when things couldn’t get more awkward, Schmidt and Jess…