This week picked up, like a bad hangover, the morning after that kiss. In a completely unsurprising development, Jess and Nick dissolved into grade-school antics when forced to confront the repercussions of their actions. They practically wiped boogers on each other at one point. But I kind of liked it. I knew they wouldn’t go from zero to “couple” in the space of one episode, and it was completely realistic for their characters. Elsewhere, Cece realized she wasn’t such a catch after all (at least in the Indian community), Schmidt uttered the words “I will Calcutt-a b—-” before making the boldest and most valiant move he’s ever made, romantically speaking (episode MVP!), and Nick sustained a lot of punches. A lot. But before that happened…
Nick awoke the next morning with a silent scream. He hurled insults, then rashly punched the wall (of course that was followed by a dog-level high chicken-squawk of a scream because he’d hurt his hand). In her room, Jess was still stunned speechless. They both fled their rooms and ran into each other in the hallway. The same hall where they’d tangled in a passionate embrace just hours before. But there was no confrontation because Nick panicked and moonwalked back into his room. Apparently the panic moonwalk is one of Nick’s well-worn defense mechanisms (one I really wish they’d established before this episode because… comedy gold!). Cue flashback of Jess saying, “So… terrorism.” Nick: [Panic moonwalk...]
Jess returned to bed, where Sam’s personality had sides we’ve never before seen, including a new proclivity for unironic morning fist bumps and a slew of compliments about Jess’s bedheaded beauty. This goofy sweetness made it difficult for Jess to come clean. But she had to tell someone, so she high-tailed it to Cece’s apartment, confessed, and was met with a long, shrill “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa????” (I honestly believe that, if Cece had spun around, Jess would have experienced the Doppler Effect.) After the initial shock, she listened to Jess rant for about an hour before ultimately admitting of the kiss, “I mean, I saw through space and time for a minute, but that’s not the point!”
But I won’t leave out the details — a sex-deprived Cece certainly didn’t want Jess to. Jess claimed she “was like Scarlett O’Hara in my freaking curtain dress,” said the kiss was “firm but tender,” and mentioned how in that moment Nick “was a man and [Jess] was a wo-man.” Cece writhed and moaned over the adorka-porn because that‘s how hard-up she was. But she wasn’t distracted and turned the argument back to the real question: Does Jess like Nick? At this, Jess emitted such cartoonishly over-the-top laughter that it was clear she was in denial about her complex feelings for Nick.
Speaking of over-the-top responses, let’s cut back to the loft, shall we? Picture Schmidt decked out in traditional Indian garb. (Or, just let Winston describe it for you: “You look like the fortune teller in Big!”) Schmidt had learned Cece was attending an Indian marriage convention, and he was bound and determined to stop her. He had even studied for a week to become fluent in conversational Hindi. (“If that conversation is, ‘Hello.’ — ‘Hello. Samosa?’ — ‘Yes, please samosa! More towels. Do you know where the white person’s toilet is?’”) Nick was desperate to tag along to get out of the loft and away from Jess, and he roped in “Mojo Man” Winston. Not like Winston needed to be set up. He gotten his groove back, complete with merengue hips — or, as he called it, “side stuff” — thanks to his hook-up with Daisy.
NEXT: “Pink robes are my catnip!”