Schmidt [walking out of his bedroom in a sheet]: Nothin’? I mean, nothin’? Damn it! I’ve been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It’s like a taffy pull on a hot summer’s day!
Jess: Ewwwww! You have the door open, Schmidt!
Schmidt: I’m over myself. I just don’t do it for me anymore. I even bought myself a sexy pair of underpants to spice things up. Nothin’. I just laid there. You know what? That’s it! Tonight, I start having sex again! Now [points at Winston and Nick] are you two going to join me?
Winston [spit take]: Is that the way you wanted to say that?
Nick: Jess, this loft has old pipes. I’ve told you that a million times, but you never listen during pipe talk.
Jess: Pipe talk’s boring!
Nick and Schmidt’s Sad Pick-Up Lines…
Nick: This foot stool really reminds me of my ex.
Schmidt: Holly, look at these abs. Hard to believe that I used to be such a great big fat person. [Pulls her hand to his side] You know where the fat used to be? It’s been replaced with phantom fat. I still feel it jiggle.
Nick: Holly, he’s really happy! He’s got a 401k and a six pack!
Schmidt: I’m at least 10 percent sadder than Nick right now.