A few hours later, the Band of Brothers were sitting glumly at Nick’s bar. Schmidt groused, “I can’t believe you got us kicked out of the disc-uh-tech, Nick.” Winston blamed it on the trench coat, saying, “It freaks girls out!” Soon enough, they spotted a hot chick (Brooklyn Decker) and started pumping themselves up to pounce. On the way over, Nick and Schmidt stopped to squabble over who had first dibs, which gave Winston a chance to slip in. But, given his dry spell, he struggled to stick the opener. So Schmidt came in and told Winston, “Tap out!” Winston sat down, dejected, next to a cute girl named Daisy (Brenda Song), who immediately told him showed him her engagement ring to prove she was taken.
Back at the loft, a pig-tailed Jess was surrounded by a pile of polka-dotted garments and turquoise tulle. She looked over at a hoodie-wearing melon with a scruffy face drawn on it and asked, “What do you think, Nick?” Cut to a shot of Jess riffing on Risky Business, which basically consisted of her running around like Shoshanna on crack, yelling “No bottoms! No bottoms!” Cut to: “Bottoms on top!” Cut to: Jess in a cardboard box with the arms cut out, monotone-ing, “Robot. Can’t. Find. Clothes. To. Fit. It.” And finally cut to: Jess slow-mo running through a toilet paper finish line — “I do it for Keeeeenyaaaaaa! [Falls to the ground] Silver? Damn you, Zimbabwe!” Her adorkable merriment screeched to a standstill when she thought she heard scratching at the door. She proceeded to call everyone she knew to dictate her last will and testament via voicemail in a panicked voice.
Back at the bar, Winston was newly confident, having been freed from the pressure of seduction by Daisy. As such, she became his impromptu gal pal, sounding board, and coach in the ways of being a playa. Meanwhile, Schmidt and Nick worked their magic on Holly the hottie, by which I mean were slap-fighting and insulting each other’s pathetic lives. Weirdly, this was exactly what Holly wanted. Turns out, she got her rocks off on others’ misery — a schadenflirt, if you will. So Nick’s stolen lady coat, his broken heart, and his general loser vibe were quite literally foreplay for her. “I love sad guys, and you seem sadder than most,” she told him. “When you go home at night, do you look in the mirror and just think, ‘I am the worst?’” Nick: “I actually… yes, I do!” Now this was a match made in heaven.
Except! Schmidt took Jess’s call on Nick’s phone and forced it into his hands. He grumpily walked away to listen to Jess speculate that the loft noises “might be gang-related. I’ve always been worried about my blue curtains. Crips!” Nick was understandably miffed that Jess had managed to be his cooler even over the phone, but when she whimpered, “I need you,” he relented and brought the whole crew back home. After nearly assaulting them with a baseball bat, Jess flung her arms around Nick (and Holly) and begged, “Never leave me alone again.”
NEXT PAGE: True American or Dare